Modem Jokes / Recent Jokes

[To the tune of "American Pie"] A long, long, time ago I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines. And I knew if I had the chance They could make my modem dance with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines. But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver with every busy they'd deliver. Bad news on the front page A 19-hour outrage. I can't remember if I cried when I realized that Steve Case had lied. But something touched me deep inside The day the service died. So bye bye to Amer'ca Online Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine. And good old geeks are cheering users offline Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they die. Did you write the book of TOS Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS If an IM tells you so. And will you believe the Motley Fool When he tells you that the service rules And can you teach me how to Web real slow? Well I know you sold the service short Cause I saw your quarterly report. Steve Case sold off more...

A modem doesn't ask for a commitment if you use it. Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing "AT". When you're done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty.
A modem won't say a word if you come home late. A modem can't collect alimony if you decide to dump it. A modem will always wait patiently by the phone. A modem doesn't gripe if you sit and play with the computer all night long.
You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes out.
A modem doesn't mind if you call another modem. A modem doesn't require any foreplay - just an initialization command. A virus you catch from your modem doesn't require a trip to the doctor.
You don't have to bring a modem home to meet your parents. If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you have to worry about.
Modems come with an instruction manual. Modems have a volume control - you can even turn the sound OFF.

M'wana Ndeti, a member of Zaire's Bantu tribe, used an IBM global uplink network modem yesterday
to crush a nut.
Ndeti, who spent 20 minutes trying to open the nut by hand, easily cracked it open by smashing it
repeatedly with the powerful modem.
"I could not crush the nut by myself," said the 47-year-old Ndeti, who added the savory nut to a
thick, peanut-based soup minutes later. "With IBM's help, I was able to break it." Ndeti discovered
the nut-breaking, 28. 8 V. 34 modem yesterday, when IBM was shooting a commercial in his southwestern
Zaire village. During a break in shooting, which shows African villagers eagerly teleconferencing via
computer with Japanese school children, Ndeti snuck onto the set and took the modem, which he
believed would serve well as a "smashing" utensil.
IBM officials were not surprised the longtime computer giant was able to provide Ndeti with practical
solutions to his more...

You know you are addicted to the Internet when...

You kiss your girlfriend's home page.

Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster par connection to the net: 28. 8... ISDN... cable modem... T1... T3.

And even your night dreams are in HTML.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au

Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.

You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.

You turn on your more...

July 18
I just tried to connect to America online, which I`ve heard is the best online service I can get. I can`t connect, I don`t know what is wrong.
July 19
Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don`t see why. He`s just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?
July 20
I bought the modem, I couldn`t figure out where it goes though, it wouldn`t fit in the monitor or the printer. I`m confused.
July 21
I finally got the modem in and hooked up. A three year old next door did it for me.
July 22
The three year old kid next door hooked me up to America online for me. He`s so smart.
July 23
What the heck is the internet? I thought I was on America Online, not this internet thingy. I`m confused.
July 24
The three year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. He must be a genius at least compared to me.
July 25
I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk more...

"Did you know that last month's (expletive) phone bill is over $450?" my wife scolded me in her harshest, my-husband-the-child voice. "That's more than twice the monthly payment you make for that (expletive)computer!" she continued as she escalated to screaming.
"I confess! I confess!" I sobbed. "I'm just an on-line junkie. I'm addicted to my modem! I guess I'll just have to join Modems Anonymous before I owe my soul to the phone company. "As a counselor for Modems Anonymous, I hear numerous variations of the preceding story every day. That insidious disease, modem fever, is exacting a tragically large toll from the cream of our society's computer users. Modem-mania is sweeping through the very foundations of our country and there seems to be no stopping it. This disease (yes, it is a social disease of almost epidemic proportions) is becoming a such calamity that soon there's even going to be a soap opera about on-line addiction named, more...

You Might Be Addicted to AOL if...
..... Tech Support calls "You" for help.
..... Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL
..... You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other.
..... You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out"
..... you have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino's
..... you've ever typed "drinking on AOL is better than drinking alone"
..... you have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it
..... you no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences
..... you begin to say heh heh heh instead of laughing
..... when someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"
..... you sneak away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.
..... you know more about your AOL friends daily routines than you do your own more...