Monday Jokes / Recent Jokes

DP Man
(sung to the tune "Piano Man" by Billy Joel)
It's eight o'clock on a Monday,
The programming crowd staggers in,
There's a user by my terminal,
With drool running off of his chin.
He says, "Son, can you code me some processing,
I'm not really sure what I want,
But it's short and it's sweet and it's NP-complete
And it has to be finished by lunch."
Chorus:
They say, "Write us some code, you're the DP man,
Write us some code today,
'Cause we need this report for the CEO,
And he wants it by yesterday."
Now, Tim at the console's a friend of mine,
He bumps up my priority,
And he'll bum me a smoke or some Twinkies and Coke,
But there's someplace that he'd rather be.
He said, "Paul, I believe it's a dead-end here,"
As the smile ran away from his face,
"But I'm sure I could find work with IBM,
If I could get out of this place."
Now, Mark is a more...

A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier.
"Show the lady your finest languginous chinchilla coat!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an
absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the
furrier
sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular
fur
goes for $65, 000."
"No problem! I'll write you a check!"
"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may
come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."
So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The
store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?!
There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"
"I know" grinned the man. "I just had to come by to thank you for the
most wonderful weekend of my more...

[San Jose Mercury News]An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N. C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson . 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system.His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have more...

Bush plans prime time address on Sept. 11

---thank god Monday Night Football is on cable this year.

[San Jose Mercury News]An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut. Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N. C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson. 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear. A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have more...

A man is driving down the road one day, is involved in a crash and dies. The next thing he knows he is standing in a hallway and he can tell that he is in hell. As he leans against the wall to weep over his plight satan walks up to him.
Satan asks, " What's wrong?"
The man says, "Well, the last thing I remember is driving down the road and getting in a crash, now here I am in hell right?"
Satan says, " Yeah, you're right, but hell gets a bad rap, would you like me to explain?"
"OK" the man says.
Satan asks, "Well you like sex don't you?"
"Yeah!" the man says.
Satan tells him "Monday is sex day here in hell. Hell is full of beautiful women and on monday you can have sex with any of them for as long as want, anyway that you want", satan says.
"That doesn't seem too bad", the man says.
Satan asks, "You like to drink don't you?"
The man says, more...

A man and his date walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier afterhaving eaten a very expensive lunch at one of Beverly Hills mostexclusive restaurants." Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with anabsolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, thefurrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, thatparticular fur goes for $65, 000." "No problem! I'll write you a check!""Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You maycome by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared the bank." So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!""I just had to come by," grinned the guy,"to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"