Monday Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. "Show the lady your
finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.
The owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous
full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier goes up to the guy and
discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."
"No problem! I'll write you a check!"
"Very good, sir," says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on
Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."
So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner
is outraged, "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny
in your checking account!"
"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful
weekend of my life!"

A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made "Tickle me
Elmo dolls". It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told
her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained to her she would be
stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes.
On Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down
because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line to find the
problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a
bunch of dolls waiting for her.
Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two
walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls.
The boss could not control his laughter and said, "Lady, I said to give each
doll Two - Test - Tickles."

A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made "Tickle me Elmo dolls". It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained to her she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes.
On Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls.
The boss could not control his laughter and said, "Lady, I said to give each doll Two-Test-Tickles."

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this
_ / | | O _ /
and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 more...

A very modest woman applied for a job at a factory where they manufacture Tickle-Me Elmo dolls. Since it was Friday and almost quitting time, the boss quickly told her to report for work on Monday. He explained that she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls are packed into boxes.
On Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker was having difficulty keeping up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls lined up waiting for her. Closer examination revealed that she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls.
Unable to control his laughter, the boss said, "Lady, I said give each doll Two..Test..Tickles."

Two guys were taking chemistry at the University of Louisville. They did pretty well on all of the quizzes, midterms, and labs, and had a solid "A" going into the final. They were so confident that the weekend before finals (the chemistry final was on Monday), they decided to go up to the University of Kentucky and party with some friends.

They had a great time, however, they overslept on Sunday and didn't make it back to Louisville until early Monday morning. Rather than take the final then, they found their professor after the final and explained to him why they missed it.

They told him that they went up to the University of Kentucky for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but they had a flat tire on the way back. They didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time and that's why they were late in getting back to campus. The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final the following more...

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the arse and a' cheers for the sex would pretty much do it.

2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3. Valentine's Day would be moved to 29th February so it would only occur in leap years.

4. On Mothers Day, you'd get the day off to go drinking.

5. The only show opposite' Monday Night Football' would be' Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.'

6. Instead of' beer-belly,' you'd get' beer-biceps.'

7. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

8. Every woman that worked would have to do so topless.

9. When the Police pull you over, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. Example - Cop:' You know how fast you were going?' You:' All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.' Cop: Nice one, that's $20 off.'

10. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

11. Every more...