Monkey Jokes / Recent Jokes

It seems that when the creator was making the world, he called the man aside and bestowed upon him20 years of normal sex life. MAN was horrified.' ONLY TWENTY YEARS'
But the creator didn't budge. That was all he would give him.
Then he called the MONKEY and gave him 20 years.
'But I don't want 20 years'. The monkey protestde. Ten is plenty'. MAN spoke up and said' Can I have the other 10'.
The monkey graciously agrred.
Then he called the LION and gave him 20 years. The LION too only need 10 years. Again MAN said: Can I have the other 10 years'. The lion roared: of course'.
Then came the DONKEY, He was given 20 years, but like the others, 10 years was enough. MAN asked for the spare 10 years and got them.
This explains why MAN has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of monkey around, 10 years of lion about it, ans 10 yers of making an ass of himself.

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey.
He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, ''That'll be $5000.'' The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, ''That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?''
The shopkeeper answered, ''Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.''
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. ''That one's even more expensive - $10,000! What does it do?''
''Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,'' said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The more...

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll
have a C monkey please."
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop, and took out
a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash and handed it to the customer, saying,
"That will be $5,000".
The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very
expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?!"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight
code, no bugs, well worth it!"
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more
expensive, $10,000! What does it do?"
"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual
C++, even some Java. All the really useful more...

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey please."
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey.
He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, that'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10, 000!
What does it do?"
"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object- oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the more...

NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an astronaut. They trained them for months. Then when they thought they were ready, they placed all three in the shuttle and got ready to send them up into space.
As the moment came closer NASA's mission control center announced, "This is mission control to Monkey One. Initiate!"
At that the first monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle's engines ignited and the shuttle took off.
Two hours later NASA's mission control center announced, "This is mission control to Monkey Two. Initiate!"
At that the second monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle separated from the empty fuel tanks.
Another two hours later mission control announced, "This is mission control to the astronaut..."
At this the astronaut responded "I know, I know. Feed the monkeys and don't touch anything."

A Pakistani walked into a pet shop in London and asked for two bales of hay
to feed to his elephant. The shop assistant said, "Sorry sir, we don't
serve Pakistanis unless you have proof that you have a pet. You'll have
to bring your elephant in." To which the poor man replied, "I am wanting
to know isn't it. What is this reason that you do not serve me?" The
shop assistant replied, "Because you might eat the pet food yourself."
The next day the man walks into the pet shop and confronts the shop
assistant with his elephant. "Two bales of hay please."
A few days later, the guy is in again. "I am wanting isn't it. To buy
a sack of peanuts for my monkey, yes, yes."
"Sorry sir, we don't serve Pakistanis. Bring your monkey in because you
might want to eat the pet food yourself."
Next day, he walks in with this huge grey baboon with a bright red
arse and demands, "I am wanting more...

Kansans who opposed the teaching of evolution lost control of their school board in elections held yesterday, receiving a firsthand lesson in survival of the fittest and political extinction.