Month Jokes / Recent Jokes
Two furniture salesman are sitting at the bar comiserating. One says, "Man! If I don't move some furniture this month, I'm going to lose my ass."The second salesman says, "Watch your mouth! There's a lady sitting next to you. I apologize for my friend, m'aam."The woman looks at him and says, "That's OK. I'm a hooker. If I don't move some ass this month, I'm going to lose my furniture!"
A man went to the doctor for a check up. "How do you feel?" asked the doctor. "Fine." he replied. After a few more general health questions the doctor asked, "How many times do you have sex per month?" "About two orthree." the man replied. "You should be doing better than that." the doctor offered. "Take these pills and come back in a month." The man did and a month later he was again asked by the doctor, "How many times did you have sex last month?" "About two or three times." the man answered again. "I can't understand it," the doctor continued, "you should be doing much better than that." "I don't know," replied the man, "that's not bad for having no car and a small parish."
This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching the auctioning off of bulls.
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: “A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year. ”
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, & comments, “See! That was more than 5 times a month! ”
The second bull is to be sold: “Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year. ”
Again the wife bugs her husband, “Hey, that’s some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?! ”
Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.
The third bull is up for sale: “And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year! ”
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, “That’s once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?! ”
The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells back, “Sure, once a day! But ask the auctioneer more...
An angry bartender was closing up for the night when he heard a knock at the door. He opened the door, didn't see anybody, and was about to close the door when a voice called, "Hey, down here."
The bartender looked down and saw a snail.
"Hey," the snail asked, "How about a drink?"
The angry bartender snarled, "First of all, we're closed. Secondly, we don't serve snails."
And with that, the bartender kicked the snail all the way across the street.
A month later, the same angry bartender was closing up for the night when there was a knock at the door. He opened the door, and there was the same snail from last month.
"You know," the snail said, "you didn't have to kick me."
A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations. The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative. But, there's still no result, and another month later she's back in the doctors office, and this time she gets the big one. After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby. Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this third operation actually all about? The first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks more...
The government of Sri Lanka is now hiring MP s for the next parliament.
Salary: Rs 22100/- per month
Other allowances: ( legal)
1 Entertainment Rs 1000/- per month
2 Fuel allowance Rs 7500/- per month
3 Cell phone allowance Rs 2000/- month
4 Attending parliament Rs 4000/- per month
5 Driver's allowance Rs 3500/- per month (can use
more than one driver)
Other benefits:
1 Telephone with international connection
2 Photo copier at duty free rate ( Rs 685/-) monthly.
3 Computer at duty free rate ( Rs 1150/-)monthly.
4 Typewriter at duty free rate ( Rs 425/-) monthly.
5 Permit to import a luxury car valued at 30000 Us $
6 After 5 years another permit to import a luxury car
7 MPs those who selected are living 25 miles from
Colombo are entitled 2 story house with 3 bed rooms and other facilities ( Rs 1000 will be charged per month as rent)
Other previlages:
food at low cost from parliament more...
In March 1992 a man living in Newton near Boston Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0. 00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another and threw that one away too.
The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0. 00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it.
The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been cancelled. He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it.
The more...