Month Jokes / Recent Jokes
It was about a month ago when a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest:"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic.""Well," answered the priest, "thats not a sin.""But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed." "I admit that wasnt good, but you did it for a good cause." "Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..." "What is that, my son?" "Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
Dear Bank Manager,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.
No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 1999, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater more...
Little Johnnie, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnnie. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnnie pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"
Early that evening, Johnnie's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnnie's mother looked up to find Johnnie and his father standing there watching her.
To which Johnnie said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or should I?"
‘Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house, Nothing
would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste, At the holiday parties
had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I’d remember the marvelous meals I’d prepared, The gravies and sauces
and beef nicely rared.
The latte’s and snacks, the bread and the cheese, And the way I’d
never said, “No thank you, please. ”
As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt, And prepared once
again to do battle with dirt.
I said to myself, as I only can,
You can’t spend a winter disguised as a man! ”
So–away with the last of the sour cream dip, Get rid of the fruit
cake, every cracker and chip.
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished, ‘Till all the
additional ounces have vanished.
I won’t more...
This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off:"A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year." The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments,"See! That was more than 5 times a month!"The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year." Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!"Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison. The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!"The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells,"That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back, "Sure, once a day! But ask the announcer if they were more...
A young man who lived a great distance away from his family was unable to attend his father's funeral, so he called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and have the bill sent to me."
A few weeks later, he received a bill for $200, which he paid. The following month he received another bill for $200, which he also paid, thinking it was probably some incidental expense.
Every month thereafter he continued to receive another bill for $200 until, finally, he called his brother to find out what was going on.
"Well, you did say do something nice for Dad, so I rented him a tuxedo!" his brother explained.