Month Jokes / Recent Jokes

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
February 1865 is the only month in recorded more...

At a local church in a town not so far away, a pastor was holding a couples seminar, in which people could join a club that met every week.
However, the only requirement to get in is that the couple has to restrain from sex for a month.
At the starting day the pastor only gets three couples to sign up; he tells those three couples about the no sex for a month rule, and they all agree.
ONE MONTH LATER...
The first couple walks into the church and says it was hard, but they made it.
The second couple walks in and says it was difficult, but they made it.
Then the third couple walks in and says well....
"What the pastor said, my wife bent over to pick up some salad and I had to nail her on the spot!"
The pastor, shocked and upset, says, "I'm sorry, but you can't be allowed into this couples club,"
Then the boyfriend said, "Eehhh, that's alright, we aren't allowed in Jewel either!"

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?""My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10, 000.""Gee, that's tough," he replied."Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died leaving me $50, 000.""Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed.""And last month my aunt died, and left me $15, 000.""Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.""Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"

Santa is going out of town and needs to board his horse for a couple of months.
So he asks a local farmer about it and the farmer says, "Sure, but I charge rupess 500 per week, and I keep the manure."
Santa told him that he can't afford this much, so the farmer refers him to another farmer, down the road.
When approached with the request, the farmer said said, "Yup, I can do it for rupees 400 a week, and I keep the manure."
This is still too much for our Santa, and the farmer suggests that he try Banta.
. When our desperate Santa asks Banta, he is surprised to hear, "Sure. I'll be glad to do it for rupees 50 per month."
With delight, Santa exclaimed, "WOW! I suppose for that price you'll want to keep the manure."
Banta looked at Santa with kind of a squint, and says, "For Rupees 50 a month, there ain't gonna be none!"

Dear Sweetheart:

I can`t send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart

Your husband

His wife replied back after some days to her husband:

Dearest sweetheart,

Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month`s milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items...........
5. Other expenses 40 kisses

Please don`t worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance.

Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise!!!

Your Sweet Heart

A young French city slicker decides to have some exotic experience and enlists himself in the Foreign Legion. Two months later he's sent to the most remote fort in the middle of the Sahara.
The first month is fun, with all the training. Of course, now he's concerned about the lack of women around the fort... He decides to ask one of the local how they manage with it.
"Hey, Mustapha! Stop shining your boots and tell me how you can get a good fuck around here."
"No problem to fuck... just use the camel!"
"What!! Maybe that's good for you but I need a real woman, you pile of shit..."
"Maybe you're upset but no other way to get a fuck around here..."
Of course the guy turns around and ends up waiting one more month before he gets to the point where he could fuck anything. He goes back to Mustapha, still shining his boots.
"OK, Mustapha, how do you REALLY get a fuck around here?" "
I told you... more...

In March, 1999 a man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW) received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0. 00. He ignored it and threw it away.
In April he received another bill and threw that one away too. The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0. 00 by return mail. He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and they would take care of it.
The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament. However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off.
He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0. 00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to them the more...