Months Jokes / Recent Jokes

This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. "Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time." And she dashes out of her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table. When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it! "Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this more...

A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn't
want to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells
the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife
comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her whats
wrong and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband
anymore.
The wife tells him, "For the last 7 months every morning I take
a cab to work. I dont have any money so the cab driver asks
me,' So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a' or
what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me,' So are
we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a' or
what'. Back home agian I take the cab and again I don't have
any money so the cab driver asks me again,' So are you going
to pay this time or what?' so again I take a' or what'. So you
see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it
any more."
The doctor thinks more...

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us griping about you leaving it down. 2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! 3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it. 4. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 5. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her. 6. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 7. Crying is blackmail. 8. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 9. We don't more...

Did you hear about the Jewish doctor who gave a patient six months to live? When the patient couldn't pay, the doctor gave him another six months.

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again, and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested. When the case came before the court, this was the man's reply when asked why he acted in such a manner.
"When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments Remove Swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William Stick Did The Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."

The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his' house in order', make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.' What will you do for the last six months?' asked the Doctor.

His patient thought for a few minutes then replied,' I think I'll go and live with my Mother-in-law'.

Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked,' Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?'

' Because it'll be the longest six months of my Life!'

A man went to his dentist because he feels somethingwrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says,"that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago iseroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "allI can think of is that about four months ago my wife madesome asparagus and put some stuff on it that wasdelicious... Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now putit on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything." "Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollindaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which ishighly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll makeyou a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Whychrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist replies,"It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate likechrome for the Hollandaise!"