Months Jokes / Recent Jokes
Jack took a long look at his speedometer before slowing down: 73 in a 55 zone. Fourth time in as many months. How could a guy get caught so often? When his car had slowed to 10 miles an hour, Jack pulled over but partially. Let the cop worry about the potential traffic hazard. Maybe some other car will tweak his backside with a mirror. The cop was stepping out of his car, the big pad in hand.
Bob? Bob from Church? Jack sunk farther into his trench coat. This was worse than the coming ticket. A Christian cop catching a guy from his own church. A guy who happened to be a little eager to get home after a long day at the office. A guy he was about to play golf with tomorrow. Jumping out of the car, he approached a man he saw every Sunday, a man he'd never seen in uniform.
"Hi, Bob. Fancy meeting you like this."
"Hello, Jack." No smile.
"Guess you caught me red-handed in a rush to see my wife and kids."
"Yeah, I guess." Bob seemed more...
The String And Octopus Guide To Parenthood by Colin BowlesPreparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father. 1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local pharmacy, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time. 2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest more...
A homeless, mentally ill woman has been released from a Louisiana jail after a clerical mistake kept her there for six months. Just in case you were ever wondering whatever happened to Sinead O'connor.
Precisely nine months after the young couple were married, the wife was rushed to the hospital with an urgent call from the stork. Shortly after her arrival, the doctor came out of the delivery room and told the husband he was the father of a bouncing baby boy.
The new father consulted his watch, and said, "Well, nature certainly is precise. It's exactly seven o'clock."
Twenty minutes later, the doctor came out again, all smiles. "Congratulations again," he said. "You're also the father of a baby girl."
"Yessir, doc," came the father's reply, "right to the minute." Then, glancing at his watch, he added, "Well, I guess I'll go out and have a drink. There isn't another one due until ten-thirty."
A man walked into a bar and ordered 6 shots of tequilla, the bartender, being rather reluctant said, "C'mon man, nothing can be that bad that you need 6 shots of tequilla."
All the man said is, "I just found out that my first son is gay."
"Oh geez," replied the bartender,"here ya go." and he gave him the 6 shots.
2 months later, same guy, same bar, same bartender, this time the man asks for 12 shots of tequilla. Once again the bartender says, "C'mon man, nothing can be that bad that you need 12 shots of tequilla."
And the man replied by stating, "I just found out my second son is gay."
"Oh man, that is pretty bad!" said the bartender feeling really sorry for the man, so he gave him his 12 shots of tequilla.
3 more months went by and the same situation again, this time the man asks for 24 shots of tequilla. The bartender says "God damn man, doesn't anybody in your family eat more...
Noah's Ark... If it happened in 2000And the Lord spoke to Noah and said "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark." And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark, "Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints." Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time." Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit more...
A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."
Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.
About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.
Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".