Months Jokes / Recent Jokes
The accountant was visiting the Museum of Natural History and said to the person standing next to him, "That dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old."
"How did you get such exact information?"
"I was here ten months ago and the guide said the dinosaur was two billion years old."
Time to do the inner-blonde test! Pay close attention! There are 10 questions, so you should be able to answer them all in 5 minutes. DO NOT look at the answers found at the end of this document, that would be cheating! Write each of your answers down, it makes a difference!
1. Some months have 30 days, some months have 31 days. How many months have 28 days?
2. If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every half hour, how long would it be before all the pills taken?
3. I went to bed at eight o'clock in the evening and wound up my clock and set the alarm to sound at nine o'clock in the morning. How many hours sleep would I get before being woken by the alarm?
4. Divide 30 by half and add ten. What do you get?
5. A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many live sheep were left?
6. If you had only one match and entered a COLD and DARK room, where there was an oil heater, an oil lamp and a candle, which would you light more...
NORTH POLE (API) - Microsoft announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via sattelite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.
The announcement also included a notice that beginning Jan 1, 1995, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently aquired MS Court. Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict.
When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft more...
This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. "Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time." And she dashes out of her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table.
When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it!
"Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can more...
A salesman was talking with a farmer when he looked over and saw a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders.
"What's with the rooster?" the salesman asked.
"We had a fire in the chicken coop a couple of months ago and all of his feathers got singed off," explained the farmer, "so my wife made him some clothes to keep him warm."
"Ok, but that was a couple of months ago," said the salesman. "Why is he still wearing them?"
"There ain't nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other," replied the farmer.
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St.Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven.
St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. "Let me go find out." and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer...for a couple of months...and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?"
St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking some what bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."
"Great,"said the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in more...
A guy walks into a bar with a sad look on his face. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "What`s the matter?"
The guy replies, "well I`ve got these two horses, and you see... I can`t tell them apart. I don`t know if I`m mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right food."
The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of something that he can do. "Why don`t you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"
The man stops crying and says, "That sounds like a good idea, I think I`ll try it."
A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. "What`s the matter now?" the bartender asks.
The guy, sobbing, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can`t tell them apart again!" The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "Why don`t you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not more...