Months Jokes / Recent Jokes
This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. "Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time." And she dashes out of her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table.
When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it!
"Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can more...
A high court judge is at a bar in a high class hotel where he is a regular visitor. He drinks into the small hours of the morning. On leaving the bar he vomits down the front of his suit then staggers to his parked car, which he manages to start and drives home in a most dangerous fashion. When he arrives at his mansion in a suburb, he falls out of the car, and staggers to the door which his wife opened. On seeing his state she enquired as to what had happened. “I had a few civil drinks in the Shelburne hotel, and when I came out a drunk got sick all over me. But the police caught him and he’s up in front of me in the morning. I’ll give the swine 6 months in jail” he replied. His wife then sent him to the shower and then bed, while she made him some food and a hot drink. having put his soiled cloths in the wash she returned to the bedroom with his food. “How long did you say you would give the drunk in jail” she asked. “6 months ” he replied. “Well you better make it more...
A man and his dog are shipwrecked on a desert island. After exploring the island, he discovers that the only other inhabitants on the island are a flock of sheep. After many months he realizes how difficult life is without having a woman by his side. He momentarily considers pleasuring himself with a sheep, but the horror of the thought soon draws him back to his senses.A few months later, he can take it no more, and starts to stalk a particularly comely sheep. As he is about to do the dastardly deed, however, his dog grabs him by the leg and prevents him from going ahead. After some initial anger, he thanks the dog for keeping him on the straight and narrow.This pattern continues for some years, when the man is not so much thankful for the hound's intervention, as downright irritated. Try as he might to sneak off to the sheep whenever the canine isn't looking, his faithful friend always hunts him down whenever he approaches the woolly flock.Then one day, fate intervenes, and the man more...
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven.
St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.
St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sits for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?"
St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out?
Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard more...
This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. "Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time." And she dashes out of her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table.When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it! "Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this more...
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St.Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven.
St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.
St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sits for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?"
St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out?
Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard more...
Intelligence Test Instructions:
Write each of your answers down, it makes a difference! You will be allowed 10 minutes to complete the test. Write your answers in the spaces provided. Are you ready? What is the time?
Start.
1) Some months have 30 days, some months have 31 days. How many months have 28 days? ____________________
2) If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every half hour, how long would it be before all the pills had been taken? ____________________
3) I went to bed at eight o'clock in the evening and wound up my clock and set the alarm to sound at nine o'clock in the morning. How many hours sleep would I get before being awoken by the alarm? ____________________
4) Divide 30 by half and add ten. What do you get? ____________________
5) A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many live sheep were left? ___________________
6) If you had only one match and entered a COLD and DARK room, where more...