Mortuary Jokes / Recent Jokes

Man: Hello. My wife has just died. Can you come to pick up the body?

Mortuary: Yes. Where do you live?

Man: On the corner of 37th and Eucalyptus.

Mortuary: Could you spell that please?

Man: Uhhhhh. How' bout if I drag her over to Oak and you can pick her up there?

Thank you for calling Uncle Tom's Mortuary and Delicatessen. You stab' em and we slab' em. We have specials on Mondays and Thursdays. We are currently unable to come to the phone, but if you leave your number and address at the tone, we'll be by to pick up the corpse as soon as possible.

Dorothy is very upset, as her husband Albert had just passed away. She goes to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed, and the instant she sees him she starts wailing and crying.
One of the attendants rushes up to comfort her. Through her tears she explains that she was upset because Albert was wearing a black suit and that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit. The attendant apologizes and explains that they always put the bodies in a black suit as a matter of course, but he'd see what he could do.
The next day, Dorothy returns to the mortuary to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the attendant pulls back the curtain, Dorothy manages to smile through her tears as Albert is now wearing a smart blue suit.
She asks the attendant, "How did you manage to get hold of that beautiful blue suit?"
"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man who was about your husband's size was brought in, and he was more...

The Mortitian arrived at the Mortuary one morning and wasaproached by his assistant." Anything interesting happen over-night", asked the mortitian." Yes", replied the assistant, "The most gorgeous 18 year-oldblond came in last night. Dead of course""What was the cause of death", enquired the mortition." I'm not sure", replied the assistant. "But she's got a Prawnstuck up her cunt!""Are you sure?", said the Mortitian." Yes, come and have a look for yourself", said the assistantopening the body bag. The mortitian closely examined the beautifuly trimmed snatch." That's not a prawn you stupid wanker", he responded, "That'sher clitoris""Are you sure?", said the assisitant,"'Cuz it certainly tasted like a prawn".

The Mortitian arrived at the Mortuary one morning and wasaproached by his assistant."Anything interesting happen over-night", asked the mortitian."Yes", replied the assistant, "The most gorgeous 18 year-oldblond came in last night. Dead of course""What was the cause of death", enquired the mortition."I'm not sure", replied the assistant. "But she's got a Prawnstuck up her cunt!""Are you sure?", said the Mortitian."Yes, come and have a look for yourself", said the assistantopening the body bag.The mortitian closely examined the beautifuly trimmed snatch."That's not a prawn you stupid wanker", he responded, "That'sher clitoris""Are you sure?", said the assisitant,"'Cuz it certainly tasted like a prawn".