Mountain Jokes / Recent Jokes

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years

Imagine, if you will, three temperate southern (US) women rocking away on a porch as the sultry summer's day comes to a slow end. The horizon is awash with the sun's setting hues. A few pesky no-see-ums fly about.

The first lady speaks up in her slow, southern drawl and says: "Sisters, I've been thinking. Each of us has a husband whose name is LeRoy. It's been mighty confusing lately. Sometimes when I yell' LeRoy!!' your husband comes and sometimes yours answers and once in a while mine comes. I think it's time we rename our husbands to end the confusion."

Quiet returns to the porch scene only to be interrupted by the creaking of the hold rocking chairs on the loose planks. The first lady again speaks up and says, "I think I'll name my husband' Seven-UP'".

"Why, sister, why are you going to name your husband' Seven-UP'?" queries one of the old gals.

"Why, he's got seven inches and it's always up!" more...

Well, it's getting to be summer camp time, here in the good ol' USA, and one of the legendary requirements is the eternal "letter home." Here's an example provided me by a dear friend, trinette.
Dear Mom and Dad,
Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and were worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it wasn't for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blowup? The wet wood didn't more...

Q. What do mountain climbing and receiving a blowjob from Whoopi Goldberg have in common?
A. For God's sake, don't ever look down!

The following is supposedly a true story relating to an actual guide and his response to questions.
Swiss mountain guides who always do the same trails can get tired answering the same questions over and over. One time an English tourist was giving his guide an especially hard time with silly questions. They were walking through a mountain valley that was strewn with rocks, and the traveler asked, “How did these rocks get here? ”
“Sir, ” said the guide, “they were brought down by a glacier. ”
The tourist peered up the mountain and said, “But I don’t see any glacier. ”
“Oh, really? ” said the guide. “I guess it has gone back for more rocks. ”

1. Mountain bikes don't screw around.
2. Mountain bikes don't care if it's that time of the month.
3. Mountain bikes don't have parents.
4. Mountain bikes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
5. Mountain bikes don't care about professional sports.
6. You can share your mountain bike with your friends.
7. Mountain bikes don't care how many other mountain bikes you've ridden.
8. When riding, you and your mountain bike can arrive at the same
time.
9. Mountain bikes don't care if other mountain bikes look at
you.
10. Mountain bikes don't care if you look at other mountain
bikes.
11. If your mountain bike goes flat you can fix it.
12. If your mountain bike is too short you can heighten it.
13. If your mountain bike is misaligned, you don't have
to discuss politics with it.
14. You can have a black & white mountain bike and bring it home
to your parents.
15. You don't have to be jealous of other women who more...

There was this guy who wanted to find out how to go to paradise. He asked around and found out if he went up this great mountain there will be a priest there who would tell him the magic words to go to paradise.
He immediately prepared for his journey. For 40 days and 40 nights he climbed the great mountain. Finally he reached the top and found the priest. He asked the priest what are the magic words to go to paradise. The priest replied because you went through so much trouble to find out I will tell you, the words are " ISTA LUCKADY LAA LAA SUNTHARI KORA KOPPARA KOYYAH!!! Then the priest warned the guy not to tell anyone else the magic words. For if he does, the other person would go to paradise and he wont.
With this in mind he went to his hometown and called all the men. He told them, he knows the magic words to go to paradise. He told them that it's "ISTA LACKADY LAA LAA SUNTHARI KORA KOPPARA KOYYAH!!!" They said it and everyone except him went to more...