Mouth Jokes / Recent Jokes
...and gets a call from a friend.
"I know this midget who wants to buy a horse. He has a slight speech impediment, so listen carefully, I'm sending him over." The Midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.
"A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. "Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes. "OK, what about the earsth?"
Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears. "OK, finally, I'd like to see her twat." With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's twat, then pulls him out. Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should rephrase. I'd like to see her run!"
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3) Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away. 4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws firmly. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat more...
Nhan Le An American GI was fighting in Vietnam. One day he received 2 letters from home, one letter comes from his mom asking for his picture, one letter comes from his girl friend also asking for his picture. He had only 1 picture that he took at a beach standing naked. He didn't know what to do so he decided to cut the picture into two, the top half he sent to his girl friend. The bottom half he sent to his mom because he knew his mom had a poor eyesight, she wouldn't know. When his mom received the bottom half of his naked picture, she sighed: "Poor my little boy! He has no time to shave his beard. He looks like his father, always has a cigar on his mouth."
A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame. The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger i n the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the more...
Dave had obtained a new hunting dog and was raving about it to his colleagues at work endlessly. The dog could do this, the dog could do that, the dog was amazing, etc. Finally, after three weeks of listening to this, Dave's coworkers demanded to go on a hunt with Dave and his dog so they could see the dog in action for themselves.
The following weekend, they all went duck hunting in the fields and after the sun rose, Dave turned the dog loose to hunt. The damn dog was gone for three hours and everyone, including Dave, was getting anxious about what had happened to the dog. Finally, the dog comes romping into camp with a stick in its mouth and immediately jumps on Dave's leg and started humping his leg and furiously shaking the stick in its mouth. The other members of the group were busting out laughing at this ridiculous display and berating Dave over how stupid his dog was. Finally, Dave quieted the group and explained the dog's actions thus:
He's telling me "There are more...
The religious cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."