Move Jokes / Recent Jokes

Basic Rules For Driving In New Jersey: A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the construction barrels. Turn signals are just clues as to your next move in road battle so never use them. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you no matter how fast you're going. If you do, the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit. Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to insure that your antilock braking system kicks in to give you a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass more...

Once a foreigner comes to Mumbai International Airport and takes a taxi.On the way seeing other cars he says that here cars move very slowly.In his country they move very fast.
When his destination arrived he got down and checked the meter.
He asked the driver how did the meter go so high? The driver replied that the reason for the meter to run so fast was that te meter was bought from the foreigner's country!!!

TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND (WIFE):
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an verage of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
7 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid more...

To my dear wife, During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often. We will wake the children....... 17 times It's too late....... 15 times I'm too tired....... 5 times It's too early....... 52 times It's too hot....... 15 times Pretending to be asleep....... 49 times Window open the neighbours will hear....... 9 times Backache....... 2 times Headache....... 16 times Sunburnt....... 10 times Your mother will hear us....... 6 times Not in the mood....... 21 times Will wake the baby....... 17 times Watching the late TV show....... 7 times Too sore....... 9 times New hairdo....... 4 times Wrong time of the month....... 4 times You had to go to the toilet....... 9 timesOn the 36 occasions that I did succeed, the activity was not entirely satisfactory because 6 times you just lay there, 8 times you reminded me there was a crack in the ceiling, 14 more...

An army soldiers' sergeant told him to stay where he was and do not move no matter what! In a minute a group of the enemies came charging he stayed where he was. In another there was a search light. it passed right over him! but he didn't move.

Suddenly he takes off running down the battle area. when the sergeant found him he asked, " what in gods name where you doing?"

He answered," well when the enemies ran right by me and i didn't move, when the search light passed right over me, but when those two squirrels walked between my legs and said,' lets eat one and leave the other for later,' I wasn't about to stick around and see what happened!"

Question: Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers?
Answer: No. Reply: Good!
Why don't snakes bite attorneys?
Professional courtesy.
How can you tell that an attorney is about to lie?
His lips begin to move.
How can you tell the difference between an attorney lying dead in the road and a coyote lying dead in the road? With the coyote, you usually see skid marks.
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? How many can you afford?

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. Im seventy years old. Every morning at seven oclock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps." The second old man says, "You think you have problems. Im eighty years old. Every morning at 8: 00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps." Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: Im ninety years old. Every morning at 7: 00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8: 00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9: 00 sharp I wake up."