Mummy Jokes / Recent Jokes

"Mummy, Mummy. I was at the playground and Daddy..." Mummy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story, so Little Johnny tells her.
"I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."
At this point Mummy cut him off and says, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mummy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat and "... then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Navy."

"Mummy, mummy, why do fairy tales always start with 'Once upon a time'?"
"They don't always, little one... Your dad begins his with:
"'... I got caught up in the office. You wont beleive what happened...'!"

A small boy walks into his mothers room and catches her topless." Mummy, mummy, what are these?" he says, pointing to her breasts." Well, son," she says, "these are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven." Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes offquite satisfied. Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes intothe kitchen." Mummy, mummy, Aunt Mary is dying!"What do you mean? says his mother. Well she's in the garden shed, lying on the floor. Both herballoons are out, Dad's blowing them up, and she keeps yelling"God, I'm coming! I'm coming!!!"

A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, ''Mummy, why is my name Petal?'' the mother replied ''Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."
The next baby walked up and asked, ''Mummy why is my name Rose?'' She replied, ''Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head.'' The last baby walked up to her and said ''BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY." The mother replied, ''Shut up Fridge.''

"American Beauty and the Beast"
The Beast has a midlife crisis and takes a job at a fast-food restaurant, while the Beauty has an affair with a real-estate tycoon.

"The Straight Love Story"
Ryan O'Neal tragically runs over Ali McGraw while mowing his lawn.

"That Girl, Interrupted"
Marlo Thomas goes to the nuthouse.

"The Talented Mr. Whipple"
An elderly toilet-paper spokes- man goes on a killing spree in Europe, murdering anyone who squeezes the Charmin.

"Soylent Green Mile"
Charlton Heston finds out what prison food is really made of.

"All About My Mummy"
Pedro Almodovar's bittersweet saga about a 3,000-year-old mummy and his struggle to find love in the modern world.

"The Animal House Rules"
A group of frat boys, led by John Belushi, drink too much hard cider and open an abortion clinic, with predictably wacky more...