Mummy Jokes / Recent Jokes
Why did the mummy stop using the Internet? He was getting far too wrapped up in it.
There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says "Mummy, what are they doing?". The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm they are making
cakes".
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cakes.
The next day the girl says to her mother "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night eh?". Shocked, the Mother says "how do you know?"
She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa"
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?
. .. It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
. .. It was Mummy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up.
. .. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
. .. It was Mummy Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper.
. .. It was Mummy Bear who set the table.
. .. It was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, more...
A pregnant women gets caught up in a bank raid and gets shot in the stoumach 3 times
.she survies but the doctors say that each of her children will pee out a bullet when they are older.She has 3 children 2 girls and a boy.when her first daughter is 6 she runs to her mum and says "mummy mummy i wee weed out a bullet" her mum replies "its ok darling"
.when her second daughter is nine she shouts to her mum and says"mum i peed out a bullet" she replies "thats ok"
When her son is 13 he runs down the stairs and "shouts mum mum" she says "calmley i know you peed out a bullet" he says "no i was having a wank and i shot the dog!".
10. Get up early on Christmas morning, dress up as Father Christmas, and lie on the middle of their bedroom floor in a pool of fake blood.
9. Get the plastic thing from the middle of a Kinder Egg, and put it in your mouth and spit it out at them really hard.
8. Tell them that Hitler lives in their bedroom light, and that if they turn the light on, he'll come out and get them.
7. And then turn the light on.
6. Show them a home video of their parents screaming, and tell the child that "Mummy and Daddy are trapped in the television forever".
5. Give them a pomegranate to eat, and halfway through the eating, explain that it's really a dog's heart.
4. Stuff a sleeping bag with loads of pillows and sheets so that it looks as if a person is in there. Say, "Sssh! Mummy is sleeping". And then start jumping up and down on the sleeping bag, making evil grunting sounds.
3. While eating roast chicken, more...
A mummy polar bear and a baby polar bear are sitting on and iceberg watching an ice flow go by.
The baby polar bear says to the mummy polar bear, "am I a polar bear?"
The mother says, "of course you're a polar bear!"
They sit silently for a while, and then the baby polar bear repeats his question, and gets the same answer.
A little while later the baby polar bear says, "am I REALLY a polar bear?" By this time the mother is a little irritated, and says, "of course you're a polar bear! Your dad is a polar bear, your brother is a polar bear and I'm a polar bear, so you're a polar bear! What is all this nonsense?"
"Well, if I am a polar bear, why am I so bloody freezing?!"
Mummy Monster: What are you doing with that saw and where's your little brother? Young Monster: Hee, hee! He's my half-brother now!