Natural Jokes / Recent Jokes
= Your Favorite Ethnic Minority.
Well, it seems that these three fellows, an American, a German
and a , are about to be executed in front of a firing squad. As
the final hour approachs, each man is trying to think of a way to escape
his inevitable doom. The time comes for the execution and the American
is brought first in front of the firing squad. As the blindfold is
being tied around his head, he decides that he will attempt his escape
by diverting the attention of his executioners at the final moment, and
then running away.
The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown:
"10, 9, 8,... " Just before the officer reaches "1," the American
shouts, "FLOOD!!" Startled, all of the gunmen look up from their
rifles and turn around searching for the onrush of water. In all of this
confusion, the American manages to take off his blindfold and run away.
By the time the executioners are aware of more...
It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father.
"I want a good picture, so try to make this look natural," she said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder."
The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?"
Herman and Martha were happily married for nearly forty years. The
only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking
wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up Martha
and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for
air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in
the morning. Herman told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to
visit a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn't
hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function, and then
he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her
hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't
stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out."
The years went by and Martha continued to suffer and Herman continued
to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one more...
How to Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry basket
according to lights, darks, whites, man made or natural.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If husband seen along the way cover any exposed
flesh and rush to the bathroom.
Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly.
Complain and whine about getting fat.
Get in shower.
Look for facecloth, arm cloth, loin cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and
pumice stone.
Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added
vitamins.
Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added
vitamins.
Condition hair with cucumber and lamphrey conditioner with enhanced
natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red
raw.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair taking at more...
ONCE A BLONDE, BRUNET, AND REDHEAD WALKED INTO A BARBERSHOP.THE BARBERSHOP MAN LOOKED AT THE REDHEAD AND SAID,"WHY YOU HAVE LOVELY RED HAIR".THE REDHEAD STROKED HER HAIR AND SAID,"ITS NATURAL".
THEN HE LOOKED AT THE BRUNET AND SAID,"WHY YOU HAVE LOVELY DARK HAIR".THE BRUNET RAN HER FINGERS THROUGH HERS AND SAID"ITS ALL NATURAL".
THEN HE LOOKED AT THE BLONDE AND SAID,"WHAT LOVELY GREEN HAIR YOU HAVE".THE BLONDE SAID WHILE STARTING AT HER NOSE AND RUBED UP THRUOGH HER HAIR."ITS ALL NATURAL".
Are You A Steamer?
Steamer - A person, normally female and also normally of 45+ years, who refusing to accept her age makes desperate attempts to appear 20+ years younger.
Take this questionnaire to find out if you are a steamer:
Your wardrobe consists mainly of:
tailored suits and silk blouses - you spend most of your time at the office
sweats, jeans and t-shirts - designed for your active lifestyle
spandex pants in neon colors, halter tops and mini-skirts which you share with your 14 year-old daughter.
Your hair is:
exquisitely highlighted by one of the finer salons in your city
your natural color
the palest white blonde you can get from a bottle.
Your favourite place to buy clothing:
Saks, Holt-Renforth - only the finest quality will do
K-Mart, Walmart - you'd rather spend your hard-earned money on more important things
Contempo Casual, Suzies or wherever it is your teenaged daughter and her friends shop.
Your complexion more...
"Winterize your lawn," the big sign outside the garden store commanded. I've fed it, watered it, mowed it, raked it and watched a lot of it die anyway. Now I'm supposed to winterize it? I hope it's too late. Grass lawns have to be the stupidest thing we've come up with outside of thong swimsuits! We constantly battle dandelions, Queen Anne's lace, thistle, violets, chicory and clover that thrive naturally, so we can grow grass that must be nursed through an annual four-step chemical dependency.
Imagine the conversation The Creator might have with St. Francis about this: "Frank you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the Midwest? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracted butterflies, honey bees and flocks of more...