Nature Jokes / Recent Jokes

Murphy was an optimist.

My client(sponsor/customer) doesn`t know what he wants.

Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.

Nature is a mother.

Nature will tell you a direct lie if she can.

Needs are a function of what other people have.

Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference.

Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good price.

Never be first to do anything.

Never be last.

There were these two best friends out playing golf one beautiful day. After hitting their tee shots, both noticed that neither was even close to the fairway. One friend hit it way left, the other way right. They decided that since the shots were so bad, they'd just meet up at the hole. So the first guy went off and looked and looked and finally found his ball sitting down deep in a field of beautiful Buttercups. He promptly pulled out his 7 iron and started whacking away. Buttercups were flying everywhere, but the ball wouldn't come out. Well, finally Mother Nature got mad. She came up from the ground and said to the man, "I've created this beautiful field of Buttercups and you have no respect for them at all, now they are ruined. I'm going to have to punish you. Since these are Buttercups, your punishment is that you cannot have butter for a year." The man started to laugh and went back to whacking at the Buttercups. Mother Nature said, "Hey, this is no laughing more...

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left.

The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty wing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.

Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."

The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.

Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband, "Honey, you won't believe what just happened. Where are you?"

“I'm over here in the pussy willows."

The wife screams back, "Whatever you do - DON'T HIT more...

What is the Minister of nature called in China, he asks? she replies Camping, yes / no

Men know...
... that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.
... that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house.
... that if she looks like your mother, run.
... that there are at least three sides to every story: His, hers, and the truth.
... never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.
... how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.
... exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.
... that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.
... that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage. Men also know that the woman will get ticked off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.
... that there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless her name is Bambi.
... that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.
... that men are from more...

Galbraith`s Law of Human Nature: Faced with the choice between changing one`s mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof.

Gerrold`s Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 1. An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. 2. An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. 3. The energy required to change either one of these states will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task totally impossible.

Gilb`s Laws Of Unreliability: 1) At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer. 2) Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. 3) Udetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited. 4) Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on more...

Legalese Night Before Christmas*



THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS in Legalese (Author unknown)



Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.



A variety of foot apparel, e. g., stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter. The minor residents, i. e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i. e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said more...