Nature Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two Boy Scouts were picking hickory nuts while on a nature hike in the hills. They filled their pails to the brim and then began to fill their pockets. When they were unable to hold any more, they went down the country road and stopped when they came to a cemetery, deciding that would be a good place to rest and divide the nuts between them.
Sitting in the shade of an old oak tree, they emptied their pails and pockets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile on the ground. In the process of doing this, two rolled away and rested by the road. The boys then proceeded to divide the nuts, "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me."
As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but couldn't see the boys because they were hidden by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.
"Dad! Dad!" he yelled as he ran inside his house. "The cemetery. Come more...

What if condoms had corporate sponsors?
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey -- you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going. ..
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mm, mm more...

Little Johnny is sitting in biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.
Suddenly, Little Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, just the other day I was playing with my cat on the porch. The neighbor's Rottweiler came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "Fuck Off!", the dog ate him."

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth.

Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!" So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away.

Several minutes later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt... and saw where the blue ribbon was more...

The Night Before Christmas, Legally Speaking:Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") ageneral lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but notlimited to, a mouse.A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixedby and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief thatSt. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus")would arrive at sometime thereafter. The minor residents, i.e. thechildren, of the aforementioned House were located in their individualbeds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, whereinvision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in saiddreams.Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred toas "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House more...

While walking through the Stone Mountain State Park woods a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious the man says, "Well, OK." He wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, and car keys then
stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, started fondeling more...

I was traveling back to my hometown and, responding to Mother Nature, decided to stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road.
I went into the washroom. The first stall was taken, so I went into the second stall. I had just sat down when I heard a voice from the other stall.
"Hi there, how is it going?"
I am not the type to strike up conversations with strangers while sitting on the john in restrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to do, but finally I said, "Not bad."
Then the voice said, "So, what are you doing?"
At this point, I was starting to find the situation a bit weird, but I said, "Well, I'm headed back east."
Then I heard the person, all flustered, say, "Look, I'll call you back. Every time I ask you a question, the idiot in the next stall keeps answering me!!!"