Necessary Jokes / Recent Jokes

Nowe u two can rite gud!
Howe two rite gud
Frank L. Visco
Vice-president and Senior Copywriter at US Advertising.
My several years in the word game have learnt me several rules:
Avoid alliteration. Always.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
Employ the vernacular.
Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
Contractions aren't necessary.
Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
One should never generalize.
Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: ''I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.''
Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
Don't be redundant; don't more use words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
Profanity sucks dick.
Be more or less specific.
Understatement is always best.
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than more...

To All Employees,
The following company policies are effective immediately:-
HOLIDAYS: Each employee is entitled to 104 holidays. These will be called Saturday and Sunday.
SICK DAYS: A doctor's sick note will no longer be accepted as proof of sickness. If you are able to get to the doctor, you are able to come into work.
SURGERY: Operations are banned. As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. Do not consider having anything removed. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead relatives and friends. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your day's tasks are more...

If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good. Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. He won't dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better. For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors which contrast with your own. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare. For guests who say, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof distain, claws applied to stockings or a quick nip on the ankles. Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly more...

1) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, which have large red read-outs to tell you exactly when it will go off. 2) Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it will not be necessary to speak the language, a convincing accent will do. 3) All apartments in Paris overlook the Eiffel tower. 4) Most lap top computers are powerful enough to override a bank security system or the communication system of an invading alien civilization. 5) Every single person in martial arts Film has a black belt in karate. 6) When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. 7) 1 man shooting at 20 men has more chance of hitting them than 20 men shooting at 1 man if he is the hero. 8) During a police investigation it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once. 9) Large studio-type apartments in big cities are affordable by single people with a low wage. 10) The entire British population lives in London. more...

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.
YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own more...

An official staff visit by LTG Claus is expected at this post on 25 Dec. The following directives govern activities of all Army personnel during the visit.
Not a creature will stir without permission. This includes warrant officers and mice. Soldiers may obtain special stirring permits for necessary administrative action through the Battalion S-1. Officer stirring permits must be obtained through the Deputy, Post Plans and Policy Office.
All personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap NLT 2200 hours, 24 December. Uniform for the nap will be; Pajamas, Cotton, Light Weight, General Purpose, OG, and Cap, BDU woodland pattern, with ear flaps in the extended position. Equipment will be drawn from the supply room prior to 1900 hours. While at supply, all personnel will review their personal hand receipts and sign a Cash Collection Voucher, DD Form 1131, for all missing items. Remember, this is the "season of giving."
Personnel will utilize standard more...

The madam of a bawdy house answered the ring of the bell and, on opening the door, she found standing there on the threshold, an ancient, bearded gentleman in rabbi's garb.
"May I come in?" asked the rabbi gently in an aged, quavering voice.
Feeling a little confused, the madam said, "But rabbi, surely you must be in the wrong place. Here is where we-"
"I know what you do here," interrupted the rabbi. "you don't think I came here for chopped liver, do you? Bring on the girls."
Still confused, but understanding her professional duties, the madam had several girls line up. The rabbi tottered from one to another until he reached Rose, a large redhead with enormous breasts. He looked at her with appreciation and pointed,
"Good! I'll take those."
The rabbi paid out the necessary sum and Rosie led him upstairs. She helped him off with his coat and hung it up carefully on the nail on the door. Then she helped him off more...