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This guy's at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face starts to speak. But before he can, the guy interrupts.
Guy: "Doc, don't tell me my wife's dead. I just can't take it. Really, I can't take it. I love her."
Doctor: "Well, sir, I do have some bad news."
Again the guy interrupts.
Guy: "Doc, just tell me, did she make it?"
Doctor: "As I was saying, we did all we could. Right now she's in a vegetative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your insurance doesn't cover this type of thing."
The guy slumps, just crushed.
Doctor: "With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a day, more...

1st year–The husband says, “Oh, sweetie pie, I’m really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There’s no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that’s been going around. I’m going to take you right down to the hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is lousy there, so I’m going to bring you some takeout from Tosini’s. I’ve already arranged it with the head nurse. ”

2nd year–”Listen, honey, I don’t like the sound of that cough. I called the doc and he’s going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don’t you just go on to bed and get the rest you need? ”

3rd year–”Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I’ll bring you something–do we have any canned soup around here? ”

4th year–”No sense wearing yourself out when you’re under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids’ baths and get them to bed, more...

GO PLACIDLY AMID THE NOISE AND waste and remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. Avoid quiet & passive persons unless you are in need of sleep. Rotate your tires. Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself & heed well their advice, even though they be turkeys; know what to kiss & when. Consider that two wrongs never make a right but that three do. Wherever possible, put people on hold. Be comforted that in the face of all aridity & disillusionment & despite the changing fortunes of time, there is always a big future in computer maintenance. Remember the Pueblo. Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle & mutilate. Know yourself; if you need help, call the FBI. Exercise caution in your daily affairs, especially with persons closest to you-that lemon on your left, for instance. Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls would scarcely get your feet wet. Fall not in love therefore; it will stick to your face. Gracefully surrender the things of more...

Here are a few genuine news bloopers gleaned from American newspapers. These were taken from an article by Richard Lederer, author of "Anguished English". On behalf of Barbara Rutledge and her family, our sincere thanks go out to those sending flowers, cards and contributing to the death of her husband. The airplane was only a few feet from the ground when it crashed, witnesses said. With the exception of victimless crimes (which need not concern us here), every single crime committed in this nation of ours involves a victim. A purple lady's bicycle was missing from Serendipity Lane recently. Chairman Billings asked Board members to muster support from parent-teacher groups to support the governor's task force on driving while intoxicated. He hasn't even had his day in court yet, but Simon Wynne has been kicked off the ESU basketball team after being arrested and accused of driving a parked car while intoxicated. Montreal police don't hesitate to use whatever laws, more...

I'm from the FAA and I'm here to help you.
Me? I've never busted minimums.
We will be on time, maybe even early.
Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.
I have no interest in flying for the airlines.
I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.
All that turbulence spoiled my landing.
I'm a member of the mile high club.
I only need glasses for reading.
I broke out right at minimums.
The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR.
Don't worry about the weight and balance - it'll fly.
If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.
I'm 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree and 3000 hours in a Lear.
We shipped the part yesterday.
I'd love to have a woman co-pilot.
All you have to do is follow the book.
This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.
We in aviation are overpaid, underworked and well respected.
Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that more...

1. It’s an incentive to show up. 2. It leads to more honest communications. 3. It reduces complaints about low pay. 4. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear. 5. It encourages car pooling. 6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don’t care. 7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 8. It makes fellow employees look better. 9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are bombed. 11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable. 12. Employees work late since there’s no longer a need to relax at the bar. 13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas. 14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break. 15. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked. 16. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.(From a machine at a college dorm:)A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message." Hi. Now you say something." "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so more...