Need Jokes / Recent Jokes

If you could kill someone by tipping it over on them, it might be a
mainframe.
If the only "mouse" it has is the one living inside it, it might be a
mainframe.
If you need earth-moving equipment to relocate it, it might be a
mainframe.
If you've ever lost an oscilloscope inside of it, it might be a
mainframe.
If it's big enough to be used as an apartment, it might be a
mainframe.
If it has ever had a card-punch designed for it, it might be a
mainframe.
If it weighs more than an RV, it might be a mainframe.
If lights in the neighborhood dim when it's powered up, it might be a
mainframe.
If it arrived in its own moving van, it might be a mainframe.
If its disk platters are big enough to cook pizzas on, it might be a
mainframe.
If Michael Jordan would need his entire annual salary to buy one, it
might be a mainframe.
If keeping all of the manuals together creates a fire hazard, it might
be a more...

Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. You ski uphill. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. You speed walk in your sleep. You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack." You answer the door before people knock. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You sleep with your eyes open. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. You lick your coffeepot clean. You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House." You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. You chew on other people's fingernails. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to more...

We need
= I want
It's your decision
= The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want
= You'll pay for this later
We need to talk
= I need to complain
You're...so manly
= You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight!
= Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting!
= I've got my period
This kitchen is so inconvenient
= I want a new house
I want new curtains
= and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
I need wedding shoes
= the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there
= NO, I mean hang it there
I heard a noise
= I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me?
= I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me?
= I did something today you're not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute
= kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt more...

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy''s window and says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry officer I can''t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I''ll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can''t do that either, i am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I''ll bleed to death."

"Well, then we need a urine sample."

"I''m sorry officer I can''t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I''ll get really low blood sugar."

"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can''t do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I''m too drunk to do that."

A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air,
pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our
glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."
An Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into
the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In my
part of the world we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to
drink out of the same glass twice either."
The Texas cowboy, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it,
throws his glass into the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the Mexican
and the Arab, and catches his glass. He says, "In America we have so many
illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones
twice."

Managed Friendship PlanWelcome to Managed Friendship, a whole new way of thinking about friends and relationships. The Managed Friendship Plan (MFP) combines all the advantages of a traditional friendship network with important cost-saving features. How Does It Work? Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened accredited Friendship Providers (FPs). All your friendship needs are met by members of your Managed Friendship Staff. What's Wrong with my Current Friends? If you're like most people, you are receiving friendship services from a network of providers haphazardly patched together from your old neighborhoods, jobs, and schools. The result is often costly duplication, inefficiency, and conflict. Many of your current friends may not meet national standards, responding to your needs with inappropriate, outmoded, or even experimental acts of friendship. Under Managed Friendship, your friendship needs are coordinated by your designated Best Friend, who will more...

Osama Cave Memo===============Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours, but we've really come together as a group, and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no I in team," as well as the one that says "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly, I have a few concerns. First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I, so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign-up sheet near the main cave opening. Second, it's not often I make a video address, but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping. Thanks. Third point, and this is a touchy one. As more...