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Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

And God Created The WomanHe was so pleased with his creation that he calls in three of his top advisors: His chief Carpenter, His Chief Tailor, and His Chief Architect.He presents his creation to his Chiefs and asks them for suggestions and comments.The Carpenter says: "Too many forms, you need to straighten things out, flatten it out." God replies, "No I like it that way, but thanks"Then the Tailor says: "Too many strings (hair) sticking out, you need to trim them." God replies, "No I like it that way, but thanks"Then the Architect says: "Wonderful creation, absolutely superb, but next time, please do not place the toilets next to the reception room"

Once upon a time, there once was a traveling salesman who's wife was a well known sex addict. But because the man could not be home all of the time, he often worried about his wife's faithfulness. He had noticed that she had been eyeing the young neighbor boy who cut their lawn recently. So one day the man decided to try to do something about this. After work the man entered a sexual aid shop and asked the owner to show him the selection of dildos.
"Why yes, of course." said the owner, "We have a very wide selection."
But after looking for quite a long time, the man just did not find anything that satisfied him.
"Well, maybe I have just what you need." remarked the owner, "Wait here."
And with that, the owner ran into the back and started digging around for quite some time. After about twenty minutes, the owner finally came out carrying a strange, rectangular box with ancient writing all over it. He set the box down on the more...

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover
in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the
year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach
up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level
on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick
of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is
someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while
scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect
hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in
there and you can travel to any other part of the building
you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more
ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
You're very likely to survive any more...

A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he can do except for Banta, the town's grouch.
So Banta went to this 'Miracle Doctor' to prove that he wasn't so miraculous.
He goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothing, so what are you going to do?"
The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tell Banta, "What you need is jar number 43."
"Jar number 43?", Banta wonders.
So the doctor leaves and after five minutes brings a jar and tells Banta to taste it.
He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is Shit!" he yells.
"I just restored your sense of taste Banta," says the doctor.
So Banta goes home very mad.
One month later, Banta goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!"
Thinking he got the doctor, the more...

If you file it, you'll know where it is but never need it. If you don't file it, you'll need it but never know where it is.

John and his wife were thrilled to see that his penis was growing larger and staying erect much longer. After several weeks though, he noticed that it had grown to almost twenty one inches. This was causing him great concern so both he and his wife made an appointment with a very well-known urologist.
After examining him, the doctor explained to the couple that although it was very rare, John's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.
"Should we agree to this, doctor," asked the anxious wife, "how long would John need to be on crutches?"
"Crutches? Why would he need to be on crutches?" the doctor inquired.
"You are planning on lengthening John's legs, aren't you?" she replied.