Neighborhood Jokes / Recent Jokes

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers... like a telephone... on his hand and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.
The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."
The bartender says "Prove it."
The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible", says the bartender... "I would never have believed it!"
"Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return.
Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's more...

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers... like a telephone... on his hand, then talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him that this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.
The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."
The bartender says "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.
"That's incredible", says the bartender..."I would never have believed it!"
"Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst, given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's more...

The whole neighborhood shook from the explosion. As shopkeepers ran outside to see what happened, they spotted the pharmacist staggering out of his smoldering building.
His white uniform was now scorched black. He went up to a woman standing nearby.
"Lady!" he said, "Would you please ask your doctor to write that prescription again. And this time, PRINT IT!"

The teachers were being feted by a number of business groups in the neighborhood. At the end of his welcoming speech, the head of the Chamber of Commerce said, raising his wineglass, "Long live our teachers!!"
A voice in the back said, "On what?"

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large
Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was
outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his
neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each
Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got
together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was
tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and, they couldn't take
it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic.
They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to
join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to
Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "
You
were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a
Catholic."
The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten
temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled more...

A man is looking in the classified ads for a job. He notices an advertisement for a toothbrush salesman and figured that couldn't such a bad job. So, he calls in, he goes in and they hire him. The next day, he heads out to a neighborhood to make some sales. Five hours later he comes home and says, "Man, I only sold one toothbrush. That's not enough"
So the next day he goes to a richer neighborhood, thinking maybe those people would buy more toothbrushes. He ends up selling two toothbrushes. So he goes to his boss for advice and his boss says, "Look, you're a great guy and all, but you gotta come up with a gimmick or something."
So, the salesman thinks about it and, later that night, he finally comes up with one.
So the next day, he sets up a booth near the subway with a sign that says "Free chips and dip" A guy walks over and puts the chip in the dip and says, "This tastes like shit."
And the salesman replied, "Yeah, it more...

When a utility company started moving its heavy equipment into the quiet suburban neighborhood, the local residents formed a protest committee and invited the offending firm's attorney to attend the committee's first meeting. Before the meeting could be called to order, however, the attorney decided to take the initiative and question each homeowner separately. Turning to a pretty widow on the committee, the lawyer said: "Now, as I understand it, the utility company is running its equipment around the clock, and the noise is disturbing your rest."
"What rest?" she interrupted. " You try spending a night in my bedroom. I promise you won't get a wink of sleep."
"Really, madam!" exclaimed another homeowner reproachfully. "If you're going to make offers like that, you might at least give the fellows from your own neighborhood first chance."