Neighborhood Jokes / Recent Jokes
An old preacher was just getting out of church and was driving home through his neighborhood. As he was turning the corner of one of the major streets in his neighborhood, he noticed 3 boys playing dice on the sidewalk, and betting money along with it. The old preacher thinks to himself how awful the situation is, that these young children are already heading down the life of sin and he should do something to stop it.
The old preacher pulls over and gets out on the opposite side of the street and starts walking over to the boys. He calls out to the oldest looking on and asked the boy to "come here" so that as he's walking towards the boys, the oldest boy would be walking toward him. When the boy reached him, the old preacher asked him what he was doing.
"Gambling, sir" retorted the boy
"Gambling?! How old are you son?" asked the preacher.
"I'm 14"
"14?! Well if you turn that around, you'll be 41. You'll have reached the more...
Q. How do you keep the neighborhood kids off your front lawn? A. You molest them!.
No one believes seniors. . . everyone thinks they are senile.
They were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--and it's fifty-thousand dollars.
Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knock on the door. "Pardon me, but did more...
Johnny, a very bright 5 year old, told his daddy he'd like to have a baby brother and, along with his request, offered to do whatever he could to help. His dad, a very bright 35 year old, paused for a moment and then replied, " I'll tell you what, Johnny, if you pray every day for two months for a baby brother, I guarantee that God will give you one!" Johnny responded eagerly to his dad's challenge and went to his bedroom early that night to start praying for a baby brother. He prayed every night for a whole month, but after that time, he began to get skeptical. He checked around the neighborhood and found out that what he thought was going to happen, had never occurred in the history of the neighborhood. You just don't pray for two months and then, whammo- a new baby brother. So, Johnny quit praying. After another month, Johnny's mother went to the hospital. When she came back home, Johnny's parents called him into the bedroom. He cautiously walked into the room, not more...
As you may know, the Albuquerque housing market is becoming
as tight as the one in Denver. My friend Chuck, after searching for months, found the perfect place. Family neighborhood, garden/lawn, etc. The problem was, he has a dog, and the landlord specified "No dogs." Rather than go on searching, he decided to go stealth, and not tell the landlord about his dog (a golden retriever).
All went well for months. Except for one thing: the family that lived downstairs had a rabbit that they kept in a cage in the garden area. One day, the father of the family walked into the garden to find the dog scratching at the cage, trying to get at the rabbit. He immediately went to the landlord and complained. The landlord threatened to kick Chuck out. But Chuck, being quite persuasive- and punctual with rent checks- convinced the landlord to keep him and his dog. On the condition that that Chuck keep his dog out of the garden area.
Months went by with no incidence. However, more...
Joe, the neighborhood chronic borrower approached his neighbor, "Ray, may I borrow your axe?" "Not today," Ray replied, "I have to make soup." "What kind of excuse it that?!" demanded Joe. "Well," confessed Ray, "I admit its a lousy excuse. But, if I don't want to loan you my axe, one excuse is as good as another."
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers....like a telephone....on his hand, then talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.
The guy says,' You don't understand. I'm very high-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.'
The bartender says' Prove it.' The guy dials a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.
'That's incredible', says the bartender....'I would never have believed it!'' Yeah', said the guy,' I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?' The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall. more...