Neighborhood Jokes / Recent Jokes

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there’s a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking. Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn’t need any trouble here. The guy says, “You don’t understand. I’m very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular. ” The bartender says, “Prove it. ” The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. “That’s incredible! ” says the bartender. “I would never have believed it! ” “Yeah”, said the guy, “I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it.
By the way, where is the men’s room? ” The bartender directs him to the men’s room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn’t return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes more...

During a neighborhood party, Joe got into an argument with his neighbor, about presidential politics. Finally, the neighbor asked me why Joe was such a dedicated Republican.
Joe told him that his father and grandfather were both Republicans and he was carrying on the family tradition.
''That's it?'' said the exasperated neighbor. ''What if your father and
grandfather had been horse thieves?''
''Well...'' Joe replied, ''I suppose then I'd be a Democrat like you.''

As you may know, the Albuquerque housing market is becoming as tight as the one in Denver. My friend Chuck, after searching for months, found the perfect place. Family neighborhood, garden/lawn, etc. The problem was, he has a dog, and the landlord specified "No dogs." Rather than go on searching, he decided to go stealth, and not tell the landlord about his dog (a golden retriever). All went well for months. Except for one thing: the family that lived downstairs had a rabbit that they kept in a cage in the garden area. One day, the father of the family walked into the garden to find the dog scratching at the cage, trying to get at the rabbit. He immediately went to the landlord and complained. The landlord threatened to kick Chuck out. But Chuck, being quite persuasive- and punctual with rent checks- convinced the landlord to keep him and his dog. On the condition that that Chuck keep his dog out of the garden area. Months went by with no incidence. However, his girlfriend more...

A pastor was walking down the street one day when he saw an abandoned kitten in an alley. Feeling sorry for it, he took it home. However, it wasn't until he was in his house when he realized it had a collar. It said "Fluffy," nothing else. No phone number, no street address, nothing. He went around the neighborhood, asking if anyone had lost a cat, to which he always got the same reply: "No." Then, one day the cat got stuck in a tree that was too tall for him to climb. He tried everything: coaxing it with warm milk, scaring it down, even calling the fire department, but nothing worked. Suddenly, while he was reading the newspaper, he got an idea. He tied a rope to the front of his pick-up truck, and then tied it to the branch the cat was on. He backed up the truck, thinking, "If it gets low enough, I can just grab it." He backs up onto the end of his driveway, then gets out of the car to get the cat. But the knot in the tree came undone, and the tree more...

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers... like a telephone... on his hand and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.
The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."
The bartender says "Prove it."
The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible", says the bartender... "I would never have believed it!"
"Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return.
Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the more...

An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Joe had carved: I love you, Nancy.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Nancy quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money-one million bucks.
Joe said, "We've got to give it back."
Nancy said, "Finders keepers."
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two Inspectors were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.
"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
Nancy said, "No."
Joe said, more...

Controversial "Egan's Law" Expected to Gain Widespread Support
Trenton, N.J. (SatireWire.com) — Under a new law designed to protect minors, local police departments will now be required to inform residents any time a known Roman Catholic church moves into their neighborhood.
The law also mandates that Catholic churches register with authorities, wear electronic monitoring devices, and be prohibited from moving to within a half-mile radius of a school.
A follow-up to Megan's Law, enacted by New Jersey in 1994, the so-called "Egan's Law" is named for Cardinal Edward Egan of New York and Cardinal Bernard Law of Boston, who are both accused of covering up sexual abuse by priests under their authority. Like Megan's Law, Egan's Law is expected to spread quickly to other states, but for parents in towns across New Jersey, it's on the books none too soon.
"Last year, we discovered that a Catholic Church had been in our neighborhood for 30 years! And more...