Net Jokes / Recent Jokes
Twas the "NET" before Christmas
When all through our house,
Not a creature was typing
nor moving a mouse.
Our Monitors hummed
and were glowing within,
In hopes that Saint Nicholas
would soon "Modem" in.
The teenagers were crashed
in their messy bedrooms,
and dreaming of boxes
With games such as Doom.
Mom back from aerobics
and done kissing me,
We just settled in for some
much needed ZZZ's.
When in the home office
there arose such a din,
I shot down the stairs,
Had the fax just come in??
Away to my keyboard
I leaped to my chair,
Typed in my password. ..
But no Fax was there!!
My screen came alive
it was wildly aglow,
The hard drive went crunching
The "One and the "O."
When what my bifocaled eyes
should I see,
But a Brand New Web Browser
not AT&T.
From server so rapid
(not one on the more...
As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.
For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32. 2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98. 6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams.
Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6, 216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. X 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized.
Allowing for the 1, 200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately more...
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS president Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:
On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.
He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might more...
Definitely Urban Legend...
A businessman from Wisconsin took a business trip to Louisiana.
Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and sent a short E-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnston, at her address, [email protected].
Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter in the e-dress, and the E-mail ended up going to [email protected]. This belonged to a Jean Johnson of Duluth Min., the widow of a preacher who had just passed away and had been buried earlier that day.
The preacher's wife took one look at the E-mail and promptly fainted.
It read,' Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!'
You know you are addicted to the Internet when...
You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster par connection to the net: 28. 8... ISDN... cable modem... T1... T3.
And even your night dreams are in HTML.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au
Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
You turn on your more...
T'was the Night For Parodizing
T'was the night before Christmas and all through the Net,
The hackers took time out to try to play poet.
Each one began with the same old refrain,
Thinking their take-off would yield instant fame.
The many Net readers were snug in their beds,
While megabyte echoes flowed in their heads.
When out in a newsgroup appeared yet another,
Ridiculous rewrite -- not funny, why bother?
Then what to your wandering eyes did appear,
But a meta-rendition, its message quite clear.
True humor is something that seems to be rare,
And hackneyed variation is absent of flair.
It's fun to play poet, but often quite lame,
Even so, all the hackers keep playing this game.
On VAXes! And HPs! And Commodores sweet!
On IBMs! PCs! With fingers and feet!
The many Net readers' eyes quickly glaze over,
At every new posting that seems a leftover.
A wink of their eye and a twitch of their more...