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After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman.
The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place.
The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things.
While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the more...
Dave Barry says:
In the early days, different brands of computers used different operating systems, which meant that people switching from one computer to another would have to learn a completely new set of instructions. This was obviously inefficient, so in the early 1980s, most major computer
manufacturers agreed to stop forcing people to learn a bunch of different operating systems, and instead adopt a single, uniform, standardized operating system so absurdly non-intuitive that nobody could learn it. This system was called MS-DOS.
The MS, of course, stood for Microsoft, the company that was started by the brilliant software genius Bill Gates. Gates is a very rich man today - Forbes Magazine estimates that he is worth more than the entire O. J. Simpson defence team combined - and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.
To understand what I mean by versions, let's consider an analogy involving cars. Suppose you've purchased a new car, and you more...
It was the first day of school, and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, was entering the fourth grade.
The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said,' Give me liberty or give me death?'"
She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.
"Now," said the teacher, "who said' Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?'"
Again, there was no response except from Toshiba. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do."
As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper: "Damned Japanese."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee more...
Microsoft Trademarks the Trademark Symbol By Vince Sabio HumourNet Communications, Ltd. REDMOND, Wash (UPI) - Software and marketing giant Microsoft Corporation (MSFT) announced today that it has purchased the rights to the well-known "trademark" symbol, formerly denoted as "tm" in most print media. The symbol is commonly used to identify commercial product names that have not yet been registered with the U. S. Patent and Trademark Office. "It was a natural," commented John Schexnader, of Microsoft's Ministry of Information. "Several of us were sitting around after a board meeting a few months ago, and we were talking about what we should buy next. We were tossing around the idea of purchasing a country or two in South America, as kind of a follow-up to Sun Microsystems' trademark-infringement claim against The Island Formerly Known As Java, when it occurred to us that there are no countries named' ActiveX.' We talked about changing the name of' more...
Title Search Excerpted from the Empire State Surveyor, New York Society of Professional Surveyors, November 1990 One of the best examples of how ridiculous government paperwork can be is illustrated by a recent case in Louisiana. A company president was trying to buy some land in Louisiana for a plant expansion, and he wanted to finance this new facility with a government loan. His lawyer filled out all the necessary forms and applications and sent them appropriately. The government reviewed his application and abstract and sent the following reply: “We received today your letter enclosing application for your client supported by abstract of title. We have observed, however, that you have not traced the title previous to 1803, and before final approval, it will be necessary that the title be traced previous to that year. Yours truly, etc. ”
As a result, the lawyer sent the following letter to the government:
“Gentlemen, your letter regarding title received. I note you more...
Part 9 - (The Future of Real Programmers) - the final part
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What of future? It is a matter of some concern to Real Programmers that the latest generation of
computer programmers are not being brought up with the same outlook on life as their elders. Many of
them have never seen a computer with a front panel. Hardly anyone graduating from school these days
can do hex arithmetic without a calculator. College graduates these days are soft - protected from the
realities of programming by source level debuggers, text editors that count parentheses, and "user friendly"
opearing systems. Worst of all, some of these alleged "computer scientists" manage to get degrees without
ever learning FORTRAN! Are we destined to become an industry of Unix hackers and PASCAL
programmers?
From my experience, I can only report that the furure is bright for Real Programmers everywhere. more...
A man joins a nudist colony. He pays his dues, gets his membership kit and
key, and enters the compound.
A six-foot blonde walks by, and he gets a hard -on-
Blonde:"Sir, did you just call for me?"
New Man:"No i just got here."
Blonde:"You must be new here. It's rule when i give you hard-on,
implies that you called for me."
The blonde lies down and lets the man screw her. He
gets up, happy and heads into the sauna, sits down, and farts. A huge man comes over
to him.
Huge Man:"Sir, did you call for me?"
New Man:"I just got here."
Huge Man:" You must be new here. It's rule that when you
fart, that you called for me."
The huge man turns him around and sodomizes him.
The new man rushes back to the receptionist.
New Man:"Here's your card and key back. You can keep the $500
membership fee. I'm outa
here.
Receptionist:" But more...