Nice Jokes / Recent Jokes

Now I lay me down to sleep I pray this cushy life to keep I pray for toys that look like mice and warm cushions soft and nice For grocery bags where I can hide Just like a tiger croucched inside I pray for gourmet kitty snacks and someone nice to scratch my back For window sills all warm and bright for shadows to explore by night I pray I'll always stay real cool and keep the secret feline rule To never tell a human that The world is really run by cats.

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"The others agree that sounds like a good place. Then the American says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar. Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you more...

A young man who lived a great distance away from his family was unable to attend his father's funeral, so he called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and have the bill sent to me."
A few weeks later, he received a bill for $200, which he paid. The following month he received another bill for $200, which he also paid, thinking it was probably some incidental expense.
Every month thereafter he continued to receive another bill for $200 until, finally, he called his brother to find out what was going on.
"Well, you did say do something nice for Dad, so I rented him a tuxedo!" his brother explained.

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"
MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money you father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?'"
HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on the wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"
COLUMBUS'S MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered Christopher, you could have written!"
BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, How many times have I told you-quit playing baseball in the house! that's the third window you've broken this week!"
MICHAELANGELO'S MOTHER: " Mike, can't you paint on walls lie other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right Napoleon. If you're not hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove more...

Two military policemen were chasing a fleeing draftee from the military base. The draftee ran into the courtyard of a convent. He saw a nun seated on a round bench beneath a tree, quietly reading a book.
He said to her, "Quick sister, please hide me I don't want to be drafted, and the M.P.'s are chasing me!"
She lifted up her skirt and said, "Quick hide under here."
The two policemen came by and asked if she had seen anyone. She replied, "No."
After they left she told the young man to come out and that everything was going to be OK.
He thanked her and said, "You have a nice set of legs for a nun!"
She replied, "If you reach up a little farther you'll find a nice set of balls, too. I'm not going to be drafted either!"

TEENAGE ASIAN GANGSTERS Your car probably looks like this by now. Wears a Buddha bracelet on wrist. Start smoking cigarettes by the age of 13. Wear some really baggy pants with a white logo T-shirt. Have either the typical Asian haircut with long dyed bangs or some slicked back hair. Still trying to lose virginity to some clueless babe. Kiss up to older gang members to increase rank. OLDER ASIAN GANGSTERS Sport a lot of gold jewelry to show off. Wear nice tight pants, with HK-Style See-Through Shirts. Been Smoking for at least 10 years. Still trying to lose virginity to some clueless babe. Tell stories about glorious past to younger gangsters. Treat the teenagers good so they can introduce you to young virgin girls. Living at home with parents, still! Slick back hair, or just regular Asian haircut. Show off with guns and drugs which actually belong to someone else. Hang out in gambling dens and massage parlors, but never do anything but watch the other people. LEADERS OF ASIAN GANGS more...

This elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her loneliness and goes to the pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties, etc., and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice saying, "My, do you look lovely this afternoon, madam."
She turns around quickly to see who has spoken, but there is no one. All she sees is a big green parrot, resting on his perch in his cage. "Did you say that?" she asks.
"Why, yes, I did!" he replies. "And may I add that dress is a very nice color for you."
The lady suddenly realizes how nice it would be to not only have a talking parrot, but one that paid such nice compliments. So she pays for him and takes him home. On the way, she says, "You know, I am so proud of you that I believe I'll take you out for dinner! Would you like that?"
The parrot says, "Why yes, that would be delightful. I know a charming place on 7th Street."
So they more...