Nice Jokes / Recent Jokes
A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears. The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much." The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house." The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two." The the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man." The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two." The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in New York to say hello to his friends. Giovanni said: "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treepa?" Luigi said: "Everytinga wasa perfecto except for da traina ride down." "Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni. "Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. "She broughta vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were looking a forward to da trip. Everytinga wasa Okey Dokey until we getta hungry and open upa da luncha basket. "The conductore come a by, waga hisa finger at us and a say: 'No eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car'. So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a biga luncha and start to open a bottle of nice vino! "Conductore walka by again, waga hisa finger and say: 'No drinka in disa car. Musta use a club acar.' So, we go to club car. While drinkina more...
Definitions of A Diplomat:
Always knows what to talk about, but doesn't always talk about what he knows.
Always tries to settle problems created by other diplomats.
Can always make himself misunderstood.
Can bring home the bacon without spilling the beans.
Can convince his wife not to hide her nice body under a floor-length sable.
Can convince his wife to show off her new coat in a bus rather than in a taxi.
Can juggle a hot potato long enough for it to become a cold issue.
Can keep his shirt on while getting something off his chest.
Can look happy when he has unexpected dinner guests.
Can make his wife believe she will look fat in a mink coat.
Can make nothing sound like something.
Can put his best foot forward when he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
Can put his foot down without stepping on someone's toes.
Can say the nastiest things in the nicest way.
Can tell a man he's open-minded when he means he has a hole in his more...
Definitions of A Diplomat:Always knows what to talk about, but doesn't always talk about what he knows.Always tries to settle problems created by other diplomats.Can always make himself misunderstood.Can bring home the bacon without spilling the beans.Can convince his wife not to hide her nice body under a floor-length sable.Can convince his wife to show off her new coat in a bus rather than in a taxi.Can juggle a hot potato long enough for it to become a cold issue.Can keep his shirt on while getting something off his chest.Can look happy when he has unexpected dinner guests.Can make his wife believe she will look fat in a mink coat.Can make nothing sound like something.Can put his best foot forward when he doesn't have a leg to stand on.Can put his foot down without stepping on someone's toes.Can say the nastiest things in the nicest way.Can tell a man he's open-minded when he means he has a hole in his head.Can tell you to go to hell so tactfully that you look forward to the more...
Dearest Darling Son and That Person You Married, Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry about poor old me. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe, or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your lonely ailing mother. I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my Grandchildren. Lord knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies. But then, I guess you two do save a lot of money shopping for their clothes at the Salvation Army surplus stores and all. Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral, so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would never let you come. Why, I more...
A man was leaving the local pub at closing time, just after the bartender said "last call for alcohol". The man noticed a lady that had staggered out the door and fallen on her face in the snow. Being a nice guy, he proceeded to help her up. He told her, "It looks like you have had too much to drink tonight. Let me help walk you home for safety and warmth."
She replied, "Sure, whatever you want." On the way home, the lady kept saying, "You're passionate, you're passionate," with slurred speech, over and over again to the nice man.
The man said, "Thank you very much; those are nice words, but I don't like to take advantage of drunk women." The lady said, "No! Are you stupid or something? I've been trying to tell you that you're passionate, but you just keep dragging me along. I said you're passionate - you passed my house four blocks ago and I need a drink!"