Nice Jokes / Recent Jokes

Bill Clinton was arriving back to the White House from a trip to Arkansas with a pig under each arm. A secret serviceman greeted him.
"Nice pigs, sir!"
"Thank you. Though these are no ordinary pigs -- they're Arkansas Razorbacks! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea."
"Nice trade, sir!"

To celebrate Christmas, a landlord says the first 3 customers who can present him with something to do with Christmas can have free drinks for the rest of the evening.

1st customer comes up and presents the landlord with a christmas card.

Nice one says the landlord - thats christmasy - free drinks for you

2nd customer comes up and gives the landlord some holly.
Nice one again, free drinks for you sir

Then the third customer comes up and hands the landlord a pair of used ladies knickers

” Bloody hell - what have these got to do with Christmas? ” Asks the landlord

” Their Carol’s! ” replies the customer!!!
Ha ha ha

Woman's English
-----------------

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later!

We need to talk = I need to complain.

Sure. . . go ahead = I don't want you to.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.

I'll be more...

What Women Want in Men
Original List (age 22):
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
Revised List (age 32):
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady -- splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. more...

A little girl was walking along a beach in California whenshe came across a man with no clothes on and just a newspapercovering his genitals. The little girl said, "What do you have under that newspaper, Mister?" The man said, "Nothing, it's just a bird, now go away!"The man thought nothing of her and quickly fell asleep. Hours later, the man woke up in a hospital bed in excrutiating pain." Where the hell am I?" A doctor replied, "Someone called 9-1-1 and said you needed emergencyhelp, so we rushed you right over." "Well, what the hell happened to me?" "We don't know, son. Do you remember anything unusual happeningto you today?" The man said, "Well, there was a little girl bugging me justbefore I fell asleep." The doctor sent someone to the beach to see if the little girl wasstill there, and she was. The person said, "Do you know what happenedto that nice man you saw here earlier?" "Well," the more...

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press' Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

THE WORLD'S BEST PICKUP LINES (AND MUCH, MUCH, MORE!)
1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
2. You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.
3. Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want?
4. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
5. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
6. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.
7. My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream.
8. My name's [your name], but you can call me "lover."
9. Nice shoes. Wanna sleep together?
10. Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.
11. All those curves, and me with no brakes.
12. If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
13. Screw me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?
14. I like every muscle more...