Nobody Jokes / Recent Jokes
A man woke up on his birthday and went downstairs expecting his wife to say "Happy Birthday" and to give him a nice breakfast. He found that his wife wasn't home and that no breakfast was made. He got a little upset as he drove his kid to school. The whole trip to school was silent. The man got more upset that nobody had remembered his birthday. After he dropped his kid off, he went to work. At work he was greeted by a friendly female co-worker. She said "Happy Birthday" to him and it made him smile. He told her that nobody had remembered his birthday so she suggested that the two of them go out to eat together to brighten him up. They sat down and ate at a nice resturaunt and afterwards she suggested that they go to her place. The man agreed and when they got there she told him that she was going to slip into something a little more comfortable. A few minutes later she came out of her room dressed exactly the same and she was followed by the man's wife and friends more...
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about cars.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
19. Your last more...
I know what day of the week you were born.
I was so poor growing up. .. If I wasn't born a boy. ... I'd have
nothing to play with.
A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's
nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other
night she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work. .. I saw a guy jogging naked.
I said to the guy. .. "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said,
"Because you came home early."
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning. .. put on a shirt and
a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I was such an ugly kid. ... When I played in the sandbox the cat kept
covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and
a more...
On the bottom 3 rungs of hell are: Richard Nixon, 3rd from the bottom; Ronald Reagan, 2nd from hell's lowest rung; and George W. Bush, who actually doesn't have a rung, because when you're at the very bottom, you don't need one.
So Smirk's a little peeved about this, so he asks Tricky Dick, "Hey, Nixon, how come you're 3rd from the bottom, I mean, with Watergate and all?"
Nixon replies "Well, Watergate certainly was a scandal, and I am not a crook, but nobody, I mean nobody can say that I didn't do my own thinking. Hell, I did everybody's thinking, the stupid shits!"
So George W. says, "Well if you say so, but how' bout you Ronnie, for sure you never did your own thinking, Hell, Nancy had to consult the Ouija board to find out if you should pick your nose or pick somebody for a cabinet post."
Ronnie Ray-gun replies, "Well fella, that may be true, but at least I was elected. With a majority. Twice."
Sign on gate at the pig farm: "No Porking in Driveway."
Sign in the optical lab: "Please do not look into laser with remaining eye."
A couple of more collectives: a mockery of acquittals. An exasperation of Jewish Mothers.
Statistics are used as a drunk uses lampposts--for support, not for illumination.
Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.
Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid; there are so many places they can hide."
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
Says one psychiatrist to his colleague: "You are fine; how am I?"
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?. .. Poultry in motion.
Aibohphobia (def'n): An irrational fear of more...
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 ½ inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!