Non Jokes

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself,' Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!' and continued to watch, remembering good times. Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said,' Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman - she is dead!' and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.

He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted,' Jean... Jean zere is zis man, zis woman... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love.' The police chief smiled and said;' Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, L'amour! Zis is ok.'

'Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!'

Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his bike, more...

Chat between Non smoker & Smoker.
Non Smoker: How many Cigas you smoke per day?
Smoker: One Packet.
Non smoker calculating money spending for smoking..
Non Smoker: Do you now that, from the money that you are spending for smoking for 7 years
can be use to buy your own house?
Smoker: Do you Smoke?
Non smoker: No.
Smoker: Do you have your own house? ???..

Remember when eating out was a relaxing experience? Someone else cooked for you, served you and cleaned up after you. All you had to do was chew, swallow and pay. No longer, though. Today, you feel like a laboratory rat who has to struggle through a maze every time it wants a chunk of cheese:

"Good evening," the maitre d' said. "Table for four?"
"Yes, Thank you."
"Smoking or non?"
"Non smoking."
"Would you prefer to dine indoors or outdoors this evening?"
"I guess indoors would be good."
"Very well, sir," he said. "Would you like to be seated in the main dining room, the enclosed patio, or our lovely solarium?"
"Uh, let me see... uh..."
"I can give you a table with a lovely view in our lovely solarium."
"I think the solarium would be lovely," I said.

We followed him there...
"Now, would you more...

cogito ergo doleo.
I think therefore I am depressed.

sona si Latine loqueris.
Honk if you speak Latin.

ne auderis delere orbem rigidum meum!
Don't you dare erase my hard disk!

catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.
I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.

illiud Latine dici non potest.
You can't say that in Latin.

radix lecti.
Couch potato.

Raptus regaliter
Royally screwed

Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?

Insula Gilliganis
Gilligan's Island

Non possum credere me totum edisse.
I can't believe I ate the whole thing.

Vescere bracis meis.
Eat my shorts.

Noli habere bovis, vir.
Don't have a cow, man!

Puto vos esse more...

Two Kiwi guys are working at the top of a high rise building site in New Zealand. Anyway, Phul (Phil) turns to Muck (Mick) & says "I've gotta take a puss, but there's nowhere to go."
"Walk out to the end of that plank" replies Muck. "I'll stand on this end and balance you."
"Are You sure Muck?"
"Yeah, no worries mate"
"100%?"
"YES!"
So out goes Phul to take a piss, but before he's finished, the lunch siren sounds. Muck forgets what he's supposed to be doing and steps off the plank. Phul, of course, is a goner.
Several months later, an Australian, a Frenchman and a bloke from New Zealand are sitting in a pub discussing which of their respective nations chase women the hardest.
Greg the Aussie says, "Mate, I've been known to miss out on a piss-up session down the pub with me mates trying to crack on to sheilas!"
Pierre the Frenchman says "Non, non, non. We more...