Noon Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Dog's Diary:

Day number 180

8: 00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9: 30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9: 40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10: 30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11: 30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12: 00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1: 00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4: 00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5: 00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5: 30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 181

8: 00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9: 30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9: 40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10: 30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11: 30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12: 00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1: 00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4: 00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5: 00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5: 30 PM - more...

Freshmen: Are never in bed past noon. Seniors: Are never out of bed before noon. Freshmen: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they can cut. Seniors: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they need to attend. Freshmen: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall. Seniors: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mtn. Dew into a recitation class. Freshmen: Calls the professor "Professor." Seniors: Calls the professor "Bob." Freshmen: Would walk ten miles to get to class. Seniors: Drives to class if it's further than three blocks away. Freshmen: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade. Seniors: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade. Freshmen: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university. Seniors: Knows where the next class is. Maybe... Freshmen: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed. Seniors: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand. Freshmen: Have to ask where the computer more...

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy askingwhat time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk. About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even=drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks."Same time as before... Noon," replies the clerk. Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, Ican have room service send something up to you.""No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY
Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!
Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!
Day more...

Two weeks ago, was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say Good Morning, let alone any Happy Birthday. I said, well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. The children came into breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon.
About noon Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a more...

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, "Three million dollars." The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it here in this bag..." and the accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations. This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money. She says, "Gambling." "Gambling?", he says. "What sort of gambling?" "Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For more...

College Seniors vs. Freshman Freshman: Is never in bed past noon.
Senior: Is never out of bed before noon. Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut.
Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend. Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation class. Freshman: Calls the professor "Teacher."
Senior: Calls the professor "Bob." Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Senior: Drives to class if it's more than three blocks away. Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Senior: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade. Freshman: Know a book--full of useless trivia--about the university.
Senior: Knows where the next class is. Usually. Freshman: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Senior: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of more...