Nor Jokes / Recent Jokes
Harry was sensitive about his wooden leg and afraid no woman would have him. He was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage. He couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancée about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
The wedding night came and went, and the young couple was at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.
Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.
"Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that is a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a more...
For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, or are a teenager, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:
1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.
5. No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.
6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
8. Cats more...
Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his
proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and
a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn`t bring
himself to tell his fiancee` about his leg when he slipped the
ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they
picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I`ve
got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
The wedding night came and went, and the young couple were at
last alone in their hotel room. "Now don`t forget, Harry, you
promised me a big surprise," said the bride.
Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his
wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife`s hand on the
stump.
"Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the
Vaseline and I`ll see what I can do!"
Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However, every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an Evil Overlord...
1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of more...
The English LanguageHave you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language? Let's face itEnglish is a stupid language. There is no egg in the eggplantNo ham in the hamburgerAnd neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in EnglandFrench fries were not invented in France. We sometimes take English for grantedBut if we examine its paradoxes we find thatQuicksand takes you down slowlyBoxing rings are squareAnd a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. If writers write, how come fingers don't fing. If the plural of tooth is teethShouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beethIf the teacher taught, Why didn't the preacher praught. If a vegetarian eats vegetablesWhat the heck does a humanitarian eat!? Why do people recite at a playYet play at a recital? Park on driveways andDrive on parkwaysYou have to marvel at the unique lunacyOf a language where a house can burn up asIt burns downAnd in which you fill in a form By more...
* In the quiet town of Connersville, Wisconsin, it's illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.
* It's against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband to curse during sex.
* In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.
* No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.
* Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you or holding you in his arms.
* Bozeman, Montana has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown - if they're nude.
* In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds more...