Nothing Jokes / Recent Jokes
Mr. Swiller was known far and wide as a hard-nosed boss who watched his employees like a hawk. He was making one of his regular tours of the factory when he spotted a young man leaning against a pile of boxes just outside the foreman's office. Since George, the foreman, wasn't around, Swiller stood off to the side and watched to see just how long the young man would stand around doing nothing.
The young man yawned, scratched his head, looked at his watch, and sat on the floor. He took out a nail file and began cleaning his nails. Then he stretched, yawned again, and leaned back on the pile of boxes.
Swiller stepped from his hiding place and walked up to the young man. "You!" he boomed. "How much do you make a week?"
The young man looked up indifferently. "Two hundred and fifty dollars," he said.
Swiller swooped into the cashier's office, took $250 from the cash box, and returned. "Take it," he said, more...
When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.
While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.
Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.
Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint more...
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day. When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office. Everything can be filed under' miscellaneous'. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of the cocktail hour. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is more...
Not only rude, but ugly too.
Not playing with / dealing from a full deck (-- not even in the game).
Not running on full thrusters.
Not shooting pool on a level table.
Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree / light in the harbor.
Not the full quid.
Not the same since they took him off his medication.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer / tool in the shed.
Not Turing equivalent.
Not wrapped too tight.
Nothing between the stethoscopes.
Nothing on her radar.
Numb as a post / pounded thumb.
Number' n a hake. (New England expression; a notoriously stupid fish.)
Nutty as a fruitcake.
10. Never walk without a document -- People with documents look like hardworking employees headed to important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're headed for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're headed for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you really do.
9. Use computers to look busy -- Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about, but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -- and you will get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
8. more...
Q: What is a mathematician's pick when faced with the choice between poutine and eternal bliss in the afterlife?
A: Poutine! Because nothing is better than eternal bliss in the afterlife, and poutine is better than nothing.
Fingernail Clippers: That's why we have teeth. Makeup That is Tattooed on: You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when you're fifty? Colored Elastics For Braces: As if the braces didn't make your mouth stand out enough. Inflatable Furniture: Nothing boosts the ego more than sitting on a couch and popping it. Crayons That Smell: Oh, good, let's give kids another reason to eat them. Fake Eyelashes: You shouldn't be able to braid your eyelashes. The Epilady: Pulling hair out by the roots is masochistic. Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers: Kleenex does not get chilly. Rubber Clothing: Because you shouldn't bounce if you fall down the stairs. Doggie Sweaters: Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr. Rogers. Thong underwear: Nothing leads to insanity faster than a perpetual wedgie.