Notice Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Scene: Three people walking across the desert; an American, a Mexican, and a Winkie. (Substitute your favorite nationality/sub-culture known for its stupidity in place of Winkie.)
After they had been walking for a while, the Mexican and the Winkie notice that the American is carrying a glass of water. They asky why, and the American replies: "Well, when it gets real hot, I can drink this glass of water to cool off."
Then he drinks it.
The American and the Winkie notice that the Mexican is carrying a Sombrero. The Winkie asks him why he's carrying the hat, and the Mexican replies: "Well, when it gets real hot like now, I can put my hat on to be in the shade."
Then he puts it on.
The American and the Mexican notice that the Winkie has been lugging a car door through the desert. Neither of them can understand this, so they ask him why. The Winkie smiles and replies: "Well, its just like you two are doing. When I get hot, I can just more...

George Carlin's Reflections on Life:
1. Never raise your hands to you kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but going faster is a maniac?
9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is!
10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking more...

George Carlin's Reflections on Life:1. Never raise your hands to you kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? 6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but going faster is a maniac? 9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is! 10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.11. One out of every three more...

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
"I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea," the widow replied. "I simply thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover instead of the big poop he really was."

Bell Labs Proves Existence of Dark Suckers For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light.However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electricbulbs don't emit light, they suck dark. Thus they now call these bulbsdark suckers. The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell Labsspokesperson, proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier thanthat of light, and that dark is faster than light. The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark.Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are. There isless dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the darksucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parkinglot have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room. As with allthings, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, theycan no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full darksucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker. lA new candle has a more...

Bell Labs Proves Existence of Dark Suckers
For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light. However,
recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs don't
emit light, they suck dark. Thus they now call these bulbs dark suckers.
The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell Labs spokesperson, proves the
existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than that of light, and that dark
is faster than light. The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs
suck dark. Take for example the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is
less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark
sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking lot
have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room. As with all things,
dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer
suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark more...

To make things easier for all of us, please notice this Important Notice About Notices...
You may have noticed the increased number of notices for you to notice. We notice that some of our notices have been noticed. On the other hand, some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable. It is noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticeable. This notice is to remind you to notice the notices and respond to the Notices because we do not want the noticed to go unnoticed.