Notice Jokes / Recent Jokes

Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice. Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he more...

One day, on a notice board, a message was written:
''A parker pn lost if found plz return to me'' The next day, another notice was put up:
''If anybody finds a E plz add it to the spelling of PEN'''

Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice.
She called to remind the people at the clerk's office that she was exempt because of her age.
"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," they said.
"I've already done that," she replied.
"I did it last year."
"You have to do it every year," she was told.
"Why?" came the response.
"Do you think I'm going to get younger?"

One day, on a notice board, a message was written: "A parker pn lost if found plz return to me" The next day, another notice was put up: "If anybody finds an E plz add it to the spelling of PEN"'

You know you`re a nurse if... You notice that you use more four letter words now than before you became a nurse.

Notice to Employees (Includes Part Time Workers)

SICKNESS
We will no longer accept your doctors statements as proof. We
believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.

LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY
We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are
employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and
should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as
you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you
less than we bargained for. Anyone having operations will be
FIRED immediately.

PREGNANCY
In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go
to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart.
IF it is false labor, you will have to take an hour's leave
without pay.

DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two
weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone more...

These are supposedly actual signs that have been found in and around parts of England.

Seen at the side of a Sussex road: SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.

Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME
Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER

Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.

Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS.

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS