Notice Jokes / Recent Jokes
Notice Of Revocation Of Independence
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then more...
CLASSIFIED ERRORS, from a small-town daily: (Monday) FORE SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 p. m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap. (Tuesday) NOTICE - We regret having erred in R. D. Jone's ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap: 555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7 p. m. (Wednesday) NOTICE - R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands corrected as follows: FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 and ask Mrs. Kelly who loves with him. (Thursday) NOTICE - I, R. D. Jones, have NO sewing machine for sale. I SMASHED IT. Don't call 555-0707, as the telephone has been disconnected. I have NOT been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit."
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85%
of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English more...
1. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
2. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
3. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
4. Ever notice that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
5. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
6. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
7. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
8. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this' unusual' handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears. Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business.
So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But, he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.
The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was' Do you notice anything unusual about me?' The guy said,' Now that you mention it, you have no ears.' The man got really upset and threw the guy more...
Notice to Employees (Includes Part Time Workers)
SICKNESS
We will no longer accept your doctors statements as proof. We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.
LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY
We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately.
PREGNANCY
In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. IF it is false labor, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay.
DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job prior to... or after death.
This new benefit program started yesterday.
THE MANAGEMENT
NoticeTo make things easier for all of us, please notice this Important NoticeAbout Notices. You may have noticed the increased number of notices for youto notice. We notice that some of our notices have been noticed. On theother hand, some of our notices have not been noticed. This is verynoticeable. It is noticed that the responses to the notices have beennoticeably unnoticeable. This notice is to remind you to notice the noticesand respond to the Notices because we do not want the noticed to go unnoticed.-NOTICE COMMITTEE FOR NOTICING NOTICES