Notices Jokes / Recent Jokes
Morris wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night. He picks up his bath robe from the floor and puts it on. He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra. He thinks "bloody hell what happened last night??". He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket of his robe. Again he thinks "what happened last night, what have I done? Must have been a wild party". He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is "Please, if there's a God, please let this be a teabag."
What might've happened:
Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.
They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face.
Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs.
A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.
But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"
A fortnight passes more...
What might've happened:Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face.Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs.A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United more...
A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!" The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister" says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. "Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster." The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!'
A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.
"Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."
A woman walks into a curio shop in San Francisco.
Looking around at the exotica, she notices a very
life-like, life-size bronze statue of a rat. It has no
price tag, but it looks so striking she decides she
must have it. She takes it to the owner: "How much is
the bronze rat?""Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars for the
story," says the owner.The woman gives the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll
just take the rat; you can keep the story."As she walks down the street carrying the bronze rat,
she notices that a few real rats have crawled out of
alleys and sewers, and begun following her down the
street. This is a bit disconcerting, so she begins
walking a little bit faster.Within a couple of blocks, the group of rats behind
her grows to over a hundred, and they begin squealing.
She starts to trot towards the Bay. She takes a
nervous look around and sees that the rats now number
in the more...
Great things about being a bloke!!!
* Understanding football (any football!)
* A five day holiday requires one overnight bag
* Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat
* Queues for the bathroom don't exist
* You can open all your own jars
* When clicking through the channels you don't have to stall at every shot of someone crying
* All your orgasms are real
* You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around
* You can go to the bathroom without a support group
* When your work is criticised, you understand that everyone doesn't secretly hate you
* You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
* You never have to clean a toilet
* You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes
* You save time and money by washing up in bulk every third week
* Sex means never worrying about your reputation
* Wedding plans take care of themselves
* If someone forgets to invite you to something, it means that more...