Obviously Jokes / Recent Jokes

The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "Ive got to take you in, sir. Youre obviously drunk"The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure Im drunk?""Yeah, buddy, Im sure," said the copper. "Lets go."Obviously relieved, the wino said "Thats a relief - I thought I was a cripple."

A woman came to work one morning obviously upset. Her boss asked her what was wrong. She told him that the kids` parrot had gotten out, and they couldn`t find the bird.The boss told her not to worry that the bird would probably come back soon. She replied that she was worried about what the bird might say....the only words it knows are "Here Kitty Kitty."

An 80-year old couple decided they wanted to have one more child. The wife suggested they discuss this with their doctor, so they visited with her.

Their doctor first suggested that the man have a sperm count check to see if he had enough ammunition. She gave the old man a jar and said "Take this in that room and provide me with a sperm specimen."

After 30 minutes of grunting, groaning, and screaming behind the door, the old man appeared, obviously disheveled. "Doctor, can I bring my wife in with me?" he asked.

"Sure, whatever helps!" the doctor replied.

The old man's wife entered the room with the old man, and closed the door. Sure enough; another 30 minutes of grunting, groaning and screaming ensued. Then the couple opened the door and stepped out of the room, sweat beading on their foreheads, their clothes wrinkled and obviously frustrated... The old man handed the jar to the doctor.

The doctor more...

Child advocates would remove the child from the custody of his mother when they discovered she was shacking with a guy (not the child's father) in a barn. In most jurisdictions that would constitute child neglect.
Of course, Mary would have an underpaid court appointed attorney to represent her in the dependent-neglect proceeding, and Joseph would be out of luck once it was determined that paternity could not be established within a reasonable degree of medical certainty through blood or DNA testing (97% probability that Joe was the dad is sufficient, but absent divine intervention, that couldn't happen, hmmm?).
He would be excluded from juvenile court as a stranger to the proceeding and investigated for possible sexual deviance (all those oxen and asses around), and he would be told that he had no standing to object since he was not the natural father of the child and was not yet married to Mary (by their own admissions they had not yet consummated their union).
The more...

Aristotle:
To actualize its potential.
Roseanne Barr:
Urrrrrp. What chicken?
George Bush:
To face a kinder, gentler thousand points of headlights.
Julius Caesar:
To come, to see, to conquer.
Candide:
To cultivate its garden.
Bill the Cat:
Oop Ack.
Buddha:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
Moses:
Know ye that it is unclean to eat the chicken that has crossed the road, and that the chicken that crosseth the road doth so for its own preservation.
Joseph Conrad:
Mistah Chicken, he dead.
Howard Cosell:
It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapiens pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.
Salvador Dali:
The Fish.
Darwin:
It was the logical next step after coming down from the more...

PRESS RELEASE
Microsoft Corporation today announced plans to buy the Philadelphia Mint from the United States government. Final details of the transaction were hammered out in an all night bargaining session which included President Bill Clinton representing the US, and four unnamed chorus girls. An obviously fatigued and smiling Clinton emerged from the meeting and stated that he saw no chance that there would be opposition from anyone within the government. In an effort to appease regulators, Microsoft gave a copy of Windows NT and a box of paper clips to Novell.
Microsoft said it intends to print money in direct competition with the US Government. Microsoft chairman, Bill Gates, declared, "The Government has no vision and we intend to eventually take over all operations." The official announcement was made by Microsoft spokesman, Brad Silverberg, who showed reporters an alpha version of the currency Microsoft will release next year. The currency, called simply more...

Microsoft Corporation today announced plans to buy the
Philadelphia Mint from the United States government. Final
details of the transaction were hammered out in an all night
bargaining session which included President Bill Clinton
representing the US, and four unnamed chorus girls. An obviously
fatigued and smiling
Clinton emerged from the meeting and stated that he saw no
chance that there would be opposition from anyone within the
government. In an effort to appease regulators, Microsoft
gave a copy of Windows NT and a box of paper clips to Novell.
Microsoft said it intends to print money in direct competition
with the US Government. Microsoft chairman, Bill Gates, declared,
"The Government has no vision and we intend to eventually take
over all operations." The official announcement was made by
Microsoft spokesman, Brad Silverberg, who showed reporters an
alpha version of the currency Microsoft will release next more...