Official Jokes / Recent Jokes

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian customer agent stops them and tells them: "Itsa illegal to putta fiva people ina Quattro."
"What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the Englishmen.
"Quattro means four," replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen says disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons."
"You can'ta pulla thata one ona me," replies the Italian customs agent."Quattro means four. You hava fiva people ina your car and you are therefore breakin'a the law".
The Englishmen reply angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over We want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come"."He's a busy with two guys in a Uno".

Official Announcement: The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that."

A tourist from Albegestan goes on his first overseas trip.Upon arriving, he is visibly puzzled filling his visaapplication. The border official look s over his shoulder, and sees the tourist trying to write 'Twice a week' intothe small space labeled 'SEX'. The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what wemean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'." "Doesn't matter," the tourist answers.

The old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the government officials who had arrived to interview him.
"Chief Running Bear," one official began, "you have observed the white man for 90 years. You have observed his wars and his material wealth. You have seen his progress and the damage he has done."
The Chief nodded that it was so.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government officials for a minute, and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing, all night have sex with squaws."
The Chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve on that."

North Pole -- In the wake of accusations of the sexual abuse of children by pop-star Michael Jackson, a former SantaCo employee has made startling allegations regarding the CEO of SantaCo, Santa Claus.

Roger Keebler, half-brother of the cookie mogul, and a long-time media bad boy, left SantaCo in November. Keebler, who leveled the accusations at a press conference last night, refused top detail the reasons for his departure from SantaCo. Though, in a written statement, he simply said that he left due to a disagreement over a claus (sic) in his contract and because it was "a matter of conscience."

Keebler claims that Claus (alias Kris Kringle) "likes to have little children sit on his lap and he promises them presents, including toys nd pets." Keebler claims to have arranged liaisons for Claus. "The old pervert likes malls." Keebler said, "and he even had me take PICTURES!" Keebler further alleged that Claus would apparently more...

1. An official staff visit by LT jg Claus is expected at this post on 25 Dec. The following directives govern activities of all Army personnel during the visit.

a. Not a creature will stir without permission. This includes warrant officers and mice. Soldiers may obtain special stirring permits for necessary administrative action through the Battalion S-1. Officer stirring permits must be obtained through the Deputy, Post Plans and Policy Office.

b. All personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap NLT 2200 hours, 24 December. Uniform for the nap will be; Pajamas, Cotton, Light Weight, General Purpose, OG, and Cap, BDU woodland pattern, with ear flaps in the extended position. Equipment will be drawn from the supply room prior to 1900 hours. While at supply, all personnel will review their personal hand receipts and sign a Cash Collection Voucher, DD Form 1131, for all missing items. Remember, this is the "season of giving."

c. more...

A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife." No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing." As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"