Comrade Jokes

Lenin is dying, and talking things over with Stalin, his
successor.
"The one worry I have," says Lenin, "is this: will the people
follow you? What do you think, comrade Stalin?"
"They will," says Stalin, "they surely will."
"I hope so," says Lenin, "but what if they don't follow you?"
"No problem," says Stalin, "then they'll follow you."

From London Times via Car and Driver:
Comrade Gorbachev is being driven from his dacha to Moscow and
is in a hurry. He is getting irritated with the slowness of his
driver. "Can't you go any faster?" he says angrily. "I have to
obey the speed limits," says the driver.
Finally Gorbachev
orders the driver into the back and takes the wheel. Sure
enough a patrol car soon pulls them over. The senior officer
orders the junior to go write up the ticket. But the junior
officer comes back and says he can't give them a ticket, the
person in the car is too important.
"Well, who is it?" the senior officer asks.
"I didn't recognize him," says the junior
officer, "but Comrade Gorbachev is his chauffeur."
Raj Wall
Texas Instruments

Stalin is addressing the people. He announces:
Comrades, I have here a telegram from Trotsky. He states, "You were right and I was wrong. You are the true heir to Lenin. I should apologize."
From the front row a (comrade) tailor rises and calls, "Comrade Stalin!"
Stalin replies, "In our great free socialist state, even a tailor may address the head of state. What is it, Comrade Tailor?"
The tailor replies, "You`re reading it wrong."
"What," says Stalin, "what is wrong? How should I read it? Come up here and tell us."
The tailor reads: "You were right and I was wrong? *YOU* are the true heir to Lenin? *I* should apologize?"

At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies. One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight a World War Three?" "Yes, comrades, looks like you will," answers the general. "And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks. "The likelihood is that it will be China." The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?" "Well," replies the general, "Think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time." "But sir," asks the panicky officer, "Do we have more...

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.' 'I think it's raining'', he said to his wife.

' 'No, that felt more like snow to me'', she replied.

' 'No, I'm sure it was just rain'', he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing when they saw a communist party official walking toward them.

' 'Let's not fight about it'', the man said,' 'Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing''.

As the official approached, the man said,' 'Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?''

' 'It's raining, of course'', he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted:' 'I know that felt like snow!''

To which the man quietly replied:' 'Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear''