Official Jokes / Recent Jokes

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her,' Father, may I ask a favour?'' Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked,' Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked,' And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which more...

The line in front of the Butcher shop in Warsaw is long, indeed, and the people
grow weary, ever more weary, of the wait. Eventually an official comes out and
announces "We are very low on meat; all Jews must leave the line." So the Jews
in the line quit the queue and head for home, empty-handed.
After some more of a wait the same official reappears and announces, "We are
even lower on meat that we thought. All non-party members must leave the
line." So all the non-card-carrying members standing in line begin heading for
home, equally empty-handed.
After some more time the official appears to declare "All Serbs and Croats must
leave the line; we haven't enough meat for you." Disappointed, they leave the
line and wander off.
Well, you guessed it: a bit later the same official appears and informs the
remaining people "Unfortunately we have run out of meat entirely - you may as
well all go more...

According to the official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.

What should be the official name for Bill & Hillary Clinton's New York abode?
There were lots of possibilities, according to the creative audience of The Jayne Carroll Show, a political talk radio program which airs daily in the Portland, Oregon, metropolitan area. Carroll asked her audience to come up with an official name for the Clinton $1.7 million house in Chappaqua, NewYork.
Some names nominated for the Clinton's new home included:
Perjurers' Palace
HillBilly Villa
The House of Bill's Repute
Drawers Downs
Cheatem Estates
Sin Simeon
The Knee Pad
The White Trash House
The Blight House
The Panderosa Liars' Lair
Bill & Hill's Bribe & Breakfast
The Clinton Compost
Dogpatch on the Hudson
The Hen House
The Out House
The Love Shack
The House of Seven Felonies
But the clear, hands-down winner was...
DISGRACELAND

An official staff visit by LTG Claus is expected at this post on 25 Dec. The following directives govern activities of all Army personnel during the visit.
Not a creature will stir without permission. This includes warrant officers and mice. Soldiers may obtain special stirring permits for necessary administrative action through the Battalion S-1. Officer stirring permits must be obtained through the Deputy, Post Plans and Policy Office.
All personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap NLT 2200 hours, 24 December. Uniform for the nap will be; Pajamas, Cotton, Light Weight, General Purpose, OG, and Cap, BDU woodland pattern, with ear flaps in the extended position. Equipment will be drawn from the supply room prior to 1900 hours. While at supply, all personnel will review their personal hand receipts and sign a Cash Collection Voucher, DD Form 1131, for all missing items. Remember, this is the "season of giving."
Personnel will utilize standard more...

It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his top. How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter." The official just stared. The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!" The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback. The official finally replied, "And how do I smell from here?"

A joke from the former republic of Czechoslovakia is a dialogue between an official assigned to gauge public opinion and a peasant. The official made his questionnaire as simple as possible for the rustic mind:' Now, Jan, if you were asked to make three wishes for your country, what would they be?'
'First, I would wish the People's Liberation Army of the People's Republic of Red China to occupy Czechoslovakia.'
The official refused to be put out of countenance.' And what would be your second wish?
'My second wish would be that the People's Liberation Army of the People's Republic of Red China should occupy Czechoslovakia.'
'Okay, okay! That's the same wish twice. What would be your third wish?'
'My third wish would be that the People's Liberation Army of the People's Republic of Red China should occupy Czechoslovakia.'
'Now, aren't you being a little perverse. Why would you wish your country to be invaded and occupied three times by a foreign more...