Often Jokes / Recent Jokes
Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy and what you watch on television.
Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out...
MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing - which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree", you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture". You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control more...
Internet Addiction Disorder (IAD)As the incidence and prevalence of Internet Addiction Disorder (IAD) has been increasing exponentially, a support group. The Internet Addiction Support Group (IASG) has been established. Below are the official criteria for the diagnosis of IAD and subscription information for the IASG. A maladaptive pattern of Internet use, leading to clinically significant impairment or distress as manifested by three (or more) of the following, occurring at any time in the same 12-month period: Diagnostic Criteria(I) tolerance, as defined by either of the following: (A) A need for markedly increased amounts of time on Internet to achieve satisfaction (B) markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of time on Internet(II) withdrawal, as manifested by either of the following (A) the characteristic withdrawal syndrome (1) Cessation of (or reduction) in Internet use that has been heavy and prolonged. (2) Two (or more) of the following, developing more...
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb 18) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a jerk. PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20) - You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have a minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general loser. ARIES (Mar21-Apr 20) - You are the pioneer type and think most people are quick-tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a prick. TAURUS (Apr 21-May 20) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a communist. GEMINI (May 21-Jun 20) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are more...
Avoid models that stall during use.
Check the odo(ur)meter regularly.
Avoid completely blocking the air intake.
Take care not to allow too much steam or moisture to build up when away from home.
Keep locked in the garage when not in use.
Ensure any problems are clearly expressed on the facia.
Check for pulling attachments.
Security: ensure no Joy riders can get their hands on it.
If necessary, fit an alarm.
See if the coil needs replacing.
Take it for a good thrash around
Are you allowed to take passengers with this model?
Watch out for nasty emissions.
Keep all leather accessories in order.
If necessary, fit a silencer.
Or use the choke and throttle properly.
For your own safety, never attempt to handle when drunk.
Check the hooters. If necessary, give it the horn.
Verify that airbags come out when required. Fit extra padding if necessary.
NEVER let your friends have a go.
Never make the mistake of more...
In the construction field, it is often noted that lawyers make the worst clients. However, a couple of years ago I met an old carpenter that said lawyers were always his favorite clients!
When I asked him why he got so much pleasure out of having lawyers as clients he replied, "I only build coffins now."
Man - A Chemical AnalysisElement: Man Symbol: Ah (short for Asshole) Quantitative: Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be as short as 4inches. Discoverer: Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs) Occurrence: Found following duel element Wo, often in high concentration near a perfect Wo specimen. Physical properties: a) Surface often covered with hair; bristly in some areas, soft in others. b) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense, melts if treated like a God. c) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol). d) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution. e) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo (Snore... zzzzz). f) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature. g) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick. h) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year. i) Often damaged as a direct more...