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One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the Devil.Devil: Why so glum? Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here.You a drinking man? Guy: Sure I love to drink.Devil: We'll you're gonna love Mondays, then. On Mondays that's all we do. Drink, Drink, Drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab... We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more.Guy: Gee, that sounds great.Devil: You a smoker? Guy: You better believe it.Devil: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay...you're already dead! Guy: No way! Devil: I bet you like to gamble.Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races; you name it. We've even opened up a Pai Gow poker table.Guy: Hmmm, I've never played pai gow more...

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he was wallowing in
despair, he has his first meeting with the Devil.
Devil: Why so glum?
Guy: Why do you think? I'm in Hell.
Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a
drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Devil: Well, You're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do.
Drink, Drink, Drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Mt.
Dew. We drink until we throw up and then drink some more.
Guy: Wow, that sounds great.
Devil: You a smoker?
Guy: Yeah, you better believe it.
Devil: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars
from around the world and smooke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it's
okay... you're already dead.
Guy: No Way!
Devil: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Yeah, I do.
Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack,
horseraces, you name it. we even opened more...

The beautiful secretary of the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African King who was a very important client. The client, out of the blue, asks her to marry him.
Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her. Don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara."
The African man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says "No problem!! I have. I have."
Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in more...

An Unlikely Conversation
(written by Terry Herrin in a reply on Software Creations BBS)
Bart "I'd like to upgrade my Siamese to an Abyssinian."
Clerk "Do you want a red or a tan Abby?"
Bart "I dunno. Is there a difference besides the color?"
Clerk "Well, the red one is faster, but costs quite a bit more. Personally, I don't think it's worth it. The price/performance isn't as good as the tan one."
Bart "Do you think I need that extra speed?"
Clerk "Depends on what you're getting it for. Any big dogs near your house?"
Bart "Yes."
Clerk "Well then, you'd better go ahead and get the red one. Unless you want to save money and get the tan. The tan is up-gradable to the red later. We offer our "Red Dye Overdrive Kit" for $100. Seventy percent increase in performance."
Bart "Let's go with a tan one."
Clerk "Ok. That's gonna run you $400. What more...

Submitted by Darcy

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING

This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards.' Nothing" usually signifies an
argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with' Fine'.

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD more...

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed.

They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFC's and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that.

God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good.

Come and sit at my right." God then more...

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the Devil.

Devil: Why so glum?
Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.
Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Devil: We'll you're gonna love Mondays, then. On Mondays that's all we do. Drink, Drink, Drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab... We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Devil: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Devil: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay... you're already dead!
Guy: No way!
Devil: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.
Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races; you name it. We've more...