Older Jokes / Recent Jokes

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway. The good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered...
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4.Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
9. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
10. Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
11. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
12. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play more...

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.
The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel.
hey, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share more...

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child.The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child.It went like this:"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child,' We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said,' Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"

New Rules
New Rules
Dear Employee:
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.
SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.
This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority more...

Some older friends were dining at a restaurant, and one said how interesting it would be it you could turn back the clock and lie your life over again.
"Well, you know what I would like?" said another diner. "I`d like to be eighteen years old but to know what I know now."
At this point the counter waitress, who had been clearing the table, stopped and said,
"I`m eighteen. What is it you know?"

A woman went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.' 'Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,'' he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back.''' 'You're on, old man,'' the braggart replied.' 'Let's see what you got.'' The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said,' 'All right. Get in.'''