Older Jokes / Recent Jokes
I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type. Bob Hope As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two... Sir Norman Wisdom Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon... smart too late. Mike Tyson You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead. John Mendoza As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer. Robert Quillen People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it's more about the state of your body. Geoffrey Parfitt
From Matt Groening's "Big Book Of Hell", here are:' Lies My Older Brother And Sister Told Me'... The Sleeping Alligator Story Older Bro/Sis: See this? He isn't stuffed, ya know. He's sleeping. You: Really? Bro/Sis: If you don't believe me, why don't you put your finger in his mouth? The Boy-Trap Warning Bro/Sis: Inside my closet, there's a little door, and behind that little door, there's a boogey-man, and he's set traps in there, little boy traps. You: Really? Bro/Sis: And they're baited with CUSTARD. You: Uh-oh. The Alphabet Trick Bro/Sis: You can come up in the tree fort if you can recite the whole alphabet. You: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y and Z. Bro/Sis: Wrong. Scram. The Yes-And-No Mind Puzzler Bro/Sis: Yes means no and no means yes. Do you want me to hit you? You: Yes! No! Yes! No! Help! The Lure Of New Toys Bro/Sis: There's some new toys for you down in the basement. You should go down there. You: But last time you shut the door and turned off more...
Gather presents, boxes, paper, etc. in middle of living room floor.
Get tape back from puppy.
Remove scissors from older dog's mouth.
Open box.
Take puppy out of box.
Remove tape from older dog's mouth.
Take scissors away from puppy.
Put present in box.
Remove present from puppy's mouth.
Put back in box after removing puppy from box.
Take scissors from older dog and sit on them.
Remove puppy from box and put on lid.
Take tape away from older dog.
Unroll paper.
Take puppy OFF box.
Cut paper being careful not to cut puppy's foot or nose that is getting in the way as he "helps."
Let puppy tear remaining paper.
Take puppy off box.
Wrap paper around box.
Remove puppy from box & take wrapping paper from its mouth.
Tell older dog to fetch the tape so he will stop stealing it.
Take scissors away from puppy.
Take tape older dog is holding.
Quickly tape one spot before taking scissors from more...
Little Johnny was only 12-years-old. He had been hearing a lot about courting from the older boys, so he asked his mother what and how it was done.
She told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This Johnny did, and this is what Johnny told his mother later.
"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then they turned off the lights, all but the blue one. Then the boyfriend began kissing her and putting his hand under her blouse.
"Pretty soon they began to pant and get out of breath, and then he took his hand from inside her blouse and put it under her dress. When he did this, Sis began to moan, sigh, squirm, and scoot down toward the edge of the couch, until soon she was lying down. Then he unzipped his pants and pulled out a big eel about 10" long. It was standing up and he had it in his hand to keep it from getting away. Sis started to help him and they both wrestled it. Finally, Sis held it while more...
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
As we grow older year by year, my husband always mourns: the less and less we feel our oats, the more we feel our corns.
You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
You're getting old when tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling and you didn't do anything the night before.
It's hard to be more...
Now that I'm older... here's what I've discovered...
I started out with nothing..I still have most of it. When did my wild oats turn into prunes and All Bran? I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair. If all is not lost, where is it? It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. The first rule of holes:= If you are in one, stop digging. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through, though. It was all so different before everything changed. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle. I wish the buck stopped here, I could use a few... Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. The only more...