Opening Jokes / Recent Jokes

This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 8 inches long. The
functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes, is usually
found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of
a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the
other. In use, it is quickly inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes
slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is
thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often
quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening
in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting
from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves
behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need
cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long
glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and
cleansing liquids more...

Two Indians and a redneck were stolling through the woods, when suddenly one of the Indians ran up a hill to the opening of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave, and then listened very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He quickly tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
Puzzled, the redneck asked the other Indian what that was all about, was the other Indian crazy or what?
"No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season. When Indian men see cave, they holler, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."
Just then, they spotted another cave. The Indian ran up to the mouth of the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!". Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep within the cave. He quickly tore off his clothes and ran into more...

Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license?
"Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!"

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background check, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists. Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same more...

Two fast friends, Santa Singh and Banta Singh, were great cricket fanatics.

They decided that whoever dies first will try to come back in the dreams of the other, and tell the other about the cricket scenario in the heaven. Santa Singh dies first.

One day as Banta was fast sleep, he heard Santa calling him. He was very happy and was eager to know about cricket there.
"So, Santa! How is cricket in heaven?" Santa replied, "Hey Banta, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is that tomorrow we are going to have a day & night tournament here in heaven.

And the bad news is that you are the opening bowler for tomorrow`s match!"

The newlyweds had just returned from their honeymoon and we're settling down in their new apartment. As the husband was returning home from work the following evening, a neighbor bumped into him in the hallway and said, "I just happen to have a couple of extra tickets to a play opening in town tonight. Would you and your bride like to have them?"
The young man replied, "I'll check with her." Opening their apartment door, he called out to her, "Sweetheart, would you care to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?"
"Listen, pal," she responded, "if you dare show me one more trick with that thing, I'm going back home to my mother."

As a mother was walking past her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from the room. Quietly opening the door, she saw her daughter going to town with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What on earth are you doing?"
"Mother, I'm thirty-seven years old, unmarried, and this thing is as close as I'm ever going to get to a husband. Now please, just go away and leave me alone," the daughter said.
The following day, the girl's father heard the same buzzing noise coming from the other side of her closed bedroom door. Slowly opening the door, he saw his daughter giving herself a real workout with the vibrator. Taken aback, he asked her what she was doing.
"Dad, I'm thirty-seven years old, unmarried, and this thing is as close as I'm ever going to get to a husband. Now please, just go away and leave me alone," she groaned.
Several days later, the mother came home from a shopping trip and heard that same buzzing more...